Sick to my stomach

I just ate like eight large chocolate chip cookies and I feel like I might ralph. I am in such a bad mood I don't even know what to do.

I guess it started on Thursday when I got an email from K. After about two weeks of her being (too) busy and then going away for two and half weeks, I was expecting her to contact me upon her return on the 19th, but no. She said in her email that she "got back into town last Saturday and headed to the Cape for the weekend before attempting to get back into my work routine on Tuesday." Gee, thanks for thinking that maybe our friendship was something of a priority.

Anyways, B was having a BBQ at her new house on Saturday. I thought about going a while ago, if I had the opportunity to talk to K beforehand. Then, the more I thought about it, I realized that even if I did, I feel like I'd still hate every moment of seeing my married friend settling nicely into her new house, not to mention every one of my friends there with their bfs. So I politely declined to B.

K went on to say, "I know that you and I have yet to have an opportunity to get together and talk, but I was just thinking that I really hope you're planning to make it to B's house tomorrow - maybe you have the intention of going, and maybe you don't, but it would be great to see you and I promise that we can skip/bypass all of the things you want/need to talk about and get back to them when you and I have time to meet up just the two of us (provided that is what you would like to do). ..I wouldn't want you to skip out on a chance to see everyone just because you haven't had a chance to talk to all of us individually as you'd mentioned you wanted to."

Um, I haven't had the chance? I've talked to everyone I've wanted to except for you and you were so conveniently unavailable.

"...Some of the best relationships in my life are the ones in which we can pick up where we left off, and I would hate to find out that because we haven't seen each other in months (and just because all us girls haven't gotten together in months) that you wouldn't be able to go to the BBQ tomorrow and feel completely comfortable. And I also wouldn't want you to think that by all of this that I mean that you and I end up completely disregarding anything that you're feeling or want to talk about, but absolutely don't feel like anything would be awkward or that you'd have to open up about things tomorrow."

I know that she was trying to be "safe" in how she worded everything in that email, but come off it already. If she really wanted to see me at that BBQ, I feel like maybe she would've/should've made more of an effort to talk to me before it. She only had over a month. I was so prepared and ready to talk to her last month, but now, I have no desire to talk to her. I'm just going to ignore the email and next week I'm going on vacation, so I have that as an excuse. I just lost all motivation. I guess I'll see how I feel when I get back.

The weirdest part was that Saturday, I didn't even miss being there or seeing my "friends" or wish that I had gone at all. I really just wondered if they spent the whole time talking about me.

That's another thing that worries me. In the beginning, there would be things that I would want to email or text my friends about, but chose not to, chose to close off communication. Now, I don't even feel compelled to tell them anything, or ask them anything, or spend time with them. But I digress.

Another reason I didn't go to the BBQ was because my mom visited me on Saturday. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but I was just not in the mood to entertain her all day. She came in the morning, so no sleeping in. I had a stupid meeting at my second job the next morning, so no sleeping in on Sunday either. By the end of Saturday, I was so tired and cranky that I barely spoke to my mom, which I felt bad about, but I felt like I was just being myself. She kept asking me what was wrong, to which I replied "nothing, just tired." If I even delve into my unhappiness my mom gets all weepy and sad cuz she can't "fix" it. I'd rather just avoid it altogether.

I feel like my bitterness towards my friends is like a cancer, affecting everything else in my life. I'm beginning to notice that I'm becoming very cold and hard. Like, on the train, forget it. I can't even make nice chit-chat if I see a coworker. I'd rather bury my head in a book and look like I don't want to be bothered.

I won't even talk about other stuff because you'll just think I'm a horrible person, trust me. I didn't used to be like this. I used to feel compassion, enjoy people's company, want to have close people in my life. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm tempted to stop going to the therapist too, because I feel like all I do is talk. I know sometimes it just helps to talk, but I'm past talking. I need resolution.

P.S. I have a huge zit forming in the middle of my chin-you know the kind that you can feel deep down under the skin, that won't be ready to pop for at least a couple of days-I'm sure T is going to think it's super sexy.

Shaking in my rain boots

Today I went to this seminar on web tutorials for work. On my walk through the yard, who did I see? T walking with his coworker. I haven't seen him since January? I don't know what came over me. I got so freaking nervous I nearly spilled my coffee. We said hi, how are you, blah blah blah. He went to grab a coffee and I told him I'd see him in there. I picked a row with a bunch of open seats, but ended up being filled with other people. Needless to say, I didn't see him in there or when I left. I don't know why I can't just get over it. He still makes me so nervous. He's so freakin hot. I couldn't even look him in the eye.

After I got back to my office, he emailed me saying it was good to see me and if I wanted to grab lunch sometime. So we are. Next Friday. I might shit my pants.

I hate that I'm so transparent and not in control of my emotions. He rejected me. He DOES NOT want me. Yet, the mere sight of him makes my heart race and my knees buckle. So frustrating. All I want to do is jump the poor guy. It doesn't help at all that I have made out with him, so I have to live with the taste of what I'm missing. I'm sure he can see straight through me. Ugh. But how could I say no? I'll prolly just come home and cry like I always do.

Not to mention that two seats down from me was such a cute guy (a rarity in the library world). Why didn't I introduce myself? I mean, I'm at work with a bunch of other library people, why not take the opportunity to network, right? Then another hot guy sat in between us. Though, he was married. First I saw him check his phone, which had a pic of a girl as the wallpaper. Then I spotted his wedding band. Still, too much testosterone around me today. I can't handle it. I feel like I'm in heat or something.

Torn

So last Thursday, I got an email from A saying that she was having people over her house Friday and that I should come (she sent this to a couple of people). I didn't answer because, my honest first gut reaction was "yeah, like I wanna hang out with you and your bf, and all our friends and their bfs." So, on Monday I kind of felt bad about not responding and sent her an email being as honest as I could. Even though this wasn't something my shrink suggested, I'm experimenting with it as a way to get over my bitterness. I told her what my gut reaction was and that I don't want her to be offended if I decline from hanging out at events where it's just going to be all couples. I told her that it's the reason I prolly won't' go to a bbq that B is having at her new house next weekend.

A wrote back and said that she really didn't expect me to come or even reply, but she wanted to invite me anyway. She also said that she feels like her and her bf really are a big cause of why I've been feeling the way I've been feeling. She got this because I told her back in January that a lot did change when she started dating her bf because, out of everyone in our group of friends, she was the one person I could relate to, because she too had never had a bf or been in love and I could look at her when the other girls were talking about bfs and sex and we could roll our eyes and make sarcastic comments and laugh. I never meant to make her feel like me distancing myself was all her fault, but I guess she sort of took it that way.

She said that she knew the feeling of being the only one without someone, but again, she wasn't, because there was always me. Whatever. I also said that ever since people starting pairing off, it was like going out once every three months was enough for people because they had other friends and their bfs to hang out with and for me, with neither of those, it just wasn't enough. Anyways, she last thing she wrote back to me was that she did wish we could hang out more, just the girls and "I know we didn't see each other all the time. But when we did it was fun." I mean, thanks, but is that all you saw in me? As someone to just have fun with? I hope I'm reading too much into it and she saw me as a true friend.

So, I have written that I had joined this online site where you meet with people with similar interests. I went to one where it was a road race, but it was so crowded, I never found my group. Well, I had also joined a group of young 20something women. Wednesday night, there was a meeting at an ice cream shop. Unfortunately, I never got the notice that the organizer was stuck at work and she didn't show. I did end up meeting 3 other people who showed, but it wasn't exaclty what I was looking for. One girl was still in her undergrad, so pretty young, and had a bf. Another girl just finished her undergrad and was married. The last girl was older, not sure how old, getting her MBA and "shopping for rings" with her bf. I guess I was hoping for more single people. I don't want to be so judgemental and picky, but the whole reason I joined the group is because I want to find people who are in the same point in their life who I can identify with. Am I wrong for being so picky?

I feel like at this point in my life, I have a clear view of what I want and what I don't want-in my career, my family, my friends, my love interest. Why should I have to compromise, especially when there are hoards of other people who never have to? And why does not compromising mean I have to be completely miserable?

The online dating site that originally rejected me (I think because when I filled out the form I was honest with my happiness and self-image levels whereas this time I fudged it a bit) has since accepted me, but DAYUM, it's expensive, almost twice the other online dating site I tried. I vowed that I would never pay for another site again, but now, I'm not sure. What if it's the only hope for me and I choose to ignore it? Am I making a conscious decision to doom my love life by not joining an online dating site? Ugh. I hate that other people never have to even come close to having to make these kinds of decisions. Lucky fucking bastards! What? Do I sound bitter?

It's official

I'm miserable. I caught a cold from my nephew last weekend so physically I've been feeling awful. I feel a little better today, but still not 100%.

Emotionally, I can't say that I've been feeling much better. My mind has been all over the place this past week. Mostly, I've felt just numb, almost to the point where I forget that this life is not the one that I want, the one that I would choose for myself. I feel neither sad nor distressed. I just am. Other times, I have very serene moments where I realize that this is my life and I can envision my life this way forever and feel very mature for coming to this realization, like maybe I'm a bigger person for accepting what life has dished out for me. After all, I'm healthy, I have a family, I have a good job now. I, in other people's eyes, have a pretty good life compared to some.

But there have also been times when I miss being around people, miss going out and doing things, only to angrily turn on myself and think “You're such an idiot. You did this. You pushed everyone away thinking that taking time away from them would help you understand how you feel and give you the opportunity to resolve your feelings. Only, time apart just allowed any feelings of hurt, jealousy, and resentment to fester and grow. It's all my fault. I did this, and so I must live with it. It's too late to fix things. It will never be the same as it was, it can't be, too much has changed. It's never going to get better.” I find myself repeating this little mantra in my head over and over again. “It's never going to get better.” This can't be healthy.

And still other times, I think, “Well, if I just pretend that everything is fine, maybe it will be fine.” You know, if you think happy thoughts, happy things will happen, and you will be happy. I was at work a couple weeks ago and there is this Simpsons card that when you open it it's Marge Simpson saying “Well it doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know? It's what shows up on the surface that counts. That's what my mother taught me. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down, past your knees until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you, and happiness will follow.” I literally almost cried at work. What is wrong with me? I started thinking that this is what people do, this is how normal people probably deal with their problems, right? You just deal with it like a grown-up and move on. But is it? Is that healthy? Shouldn't you embrace your bad feelings to a point, to find out why they're there, where they came from, and then to deal with them?

I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like nobody has the answer. I have nobody to talk to. Even my shrink doesn't seem to be pointing me in the right direction, or any direction for that matter. When I try to talk to my mom about it, she just doesn't get it. No. 1: she doesn't understand anything about men and how to deal with them in the 21st century. She has to be THE most naïve and innocent person I've ever met and she's 58. She started dating my dad when she was 15 and waiting til marriage to have sex. She was shocked when my sister came home with a hickey once in high school; she'd never had a hickey. She didn't know what a beaver or twat was until she was in her forties. She just doesn't get anything. No. 2: She doesn't understand anything about my friend situation either. Sometimes I feel like she really doesn't want to know how sad I am because she doesn't know how to fix it and that to her is frustrating as a mom.

My sister isn't any better either. She has her own problems to deal with. Her house is pretty much a money pit with one thing going wrong after another. Her kids are a lot for her to deal with too. So I feel like I shouldn't bother her with my problems. When I've tried to talk to her about my friends and was letting her know that I was pushing them away, she didn't seem too concerned or wondered why I would want to create my own loneliness. She just said, “Sometimes people grow apart and friends move on.” But, she was never one to have lots of girl friends, either. She has one, but mostly she hung out with guys. Plus, she is the type of person who always had a boyfriend. Ever since high school, it was one guy after the next all the way through college until she met her husband in her post-grad. So, I can't talk to her about men either. I've told her about the guys, but she's never really been the friend I've needed, only a sister, if that makes sense. She's there to remind me how they're jerks and that I deserve better than that, but, I don't know, it's not the same as talking to a true friend somehow. I can't describe it.

So all along, I've told myself that I'm not depressed. I'm not, I'm just unsatisfied with the way things are in my life right now. But, maybe I am. I'm starting to feel a bit crazy inside. I don't like to use that word, because I'm sure every mentally unstable person has a medical reason behind their actions besides pure insanity.

I'm not even sure what I want anymore, which makes it harder too. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I thought I wanted a normal life, which for a single woman living in a decent sized city, would entail going out with friends, dating men, having fun. I've tried to look further into the blogosphere to seek solace in the fact that there are other women like me out there, but what I've come across more often than not are these sites where women basically talk about their sexcapades with men and I think that is nowhere near close to what I want or who I'd want to be friends with, or is it? Sometimes I think that yeah, if I had friends we'd be like the Sex and the City girls talking about all the men we've dated and slept with, but is that actually what I want? I guess the Catholic upbringing did have some kind of effect on me because I don't think of promiscuity as a good thing, but at the same time, sometimes I am so jealous of having a “normal” sex life. I can't find an official average, but it seems women usually have an average of below 10 sexual partners in their life. The older I get, though, the harder it is to get close to men without the fear of them “knowing” everything about me and being completely embarrassed and humiliated. (Although, I'd have to actually meet a guy first.) Other times, I'm completely jealous of some of my friends who found their partners in college and never had to “sleaze it up.”

With my friends too, I have no idea what I want. All along I've said that I want friends who are interested in the same things I am, who want to go out and do things. Sometimes, I wonder what these things are that I talk about. I feel like I really first got upset when they didn't want to go out on the town like we used to. Usually we would go to bars and pretty much get wasted. Is this really my idea of fun? I often think about college and look back and think about how much fun we used to have, just us girls, but realistically, all we did was get trashed every weekend, hook up with different guys, and then laugh about it all. Is this my idea of fun? Is this all I see for my future? I've seen what that kind of attitude can do to someone. My dad had a fun time in college, probably too much fun for his own good. He's always told stories about his friends and their shenanigans and they always involved them being drunk. My sister and I have always thought that was partly the reason for his alcoholism, that he still thinks that those were the best times of his life and he's stuck in the past, which is why he acts so completely immature. I don't want to be that person, always living in the past, thinking that those times were the best and that no other part of my life will ever be as good. Sometimes I wonder if I really do want the life that I've envisioned for my future: the husband, the family, friends that are married with kids, so we can raise our kids together. Maybe I'd want them more if I was in that place, but I'm not. I'm in the single girl place. To me, being single, has always been going out, getting drunk, hooking up with a random guy, which for me has inevitably led nowhere. Maybe I need to get out of that place, but how? That's all I've ever known. And what's on the other side? Grown-up stuff. Does that equal boring stuff?

Man, I think I'm either bi-polar or have a raging case of Peter Pan syndrome. The screen's making my eyes hurt, this post is way too long. I'm not even proof-reading. Sorry for any errors.

Love, Therapy and Ice Cream...not in that order

Man, today is flippin hot outside. Luckily, the president of where I work (here's a hint: it's a prestigious university in Cambridge) threw an ice cream social for all of the employees today, which was much appreciated by all. I indulged, even though I do have the 'tose. I know, masochistic, but who can resist free ice cream?

I wish I had it yesterday though. I ended up leaving work early because I was so hot. My face felt like it was on fire. Usually, when I get that hot and lightheaded, it means I have a fever, but I checked and none. I slept 2.5 hours when I got home, but still felt crummy all night. Luckily, I felt tons better today.

HOWEVER, this little ailment, I'm not sure whether to say unfortunately OR conveniently, fell on the day I was to meet with K and talk about everything that's been going on lately. I had emailed her on her birthday (the 18th) but she said she was away through the weekend. Fine with me, since I was working and seeing my sister for her birthday that weekend. She said she was only free Wednesday night, I had to work Wednesday night. She said she was away for the next weekend, how about Monday? I said fine. Then, I end up feeling not so good, I said how about Tuesday? Well, K (little Miss Social) made plans for Tuesday since we already set a date for Monday and was leaving to go away on Wednesday through July 19th! Like who is she that she has this many plans? Ok, maaaaybbbee I am overreacting seeing as I have NO social life, but come on. Also, I feel like if she really wanted to see me, since we haven't met since December, that she might rearrange some plans so we could talk before she left for 2.5 weeks? Oh well, at least I get to put off that meeting for a while.

So, I'm meeting with my therapist tomorrow and I was really planning on having met with K to have stuff to talk about. It's weird. Sometimes, there's an awkward silence in our meetings and I don't know if I should be talking more or what. It feels like when I was a kid in Catholic school and I used to make up sins for confession because I didn't think I "had enough good stuff." I know, twisted. I was lying in confession about sins I didn't commit...there's Catholic guilt for ya. Maybe this time she'll actually have stuff to say to me.

Oh, so the love part of my blog title. Sooo, since I was feeling crappy last night, I inevitably had really weird dreams. One of which I shared with my coworkers. I was propelling myself into space and I was trying to get to the planet Aquarius (?) but I fell asleep and overshot it and landed on Venus. And for some reason, by the laws of motion in space (again, I have no idea) I couldn't figure out how to get back to Aquarius. So my boss makes the remark "Maybe it means you're going to find love soon." I was kind of taken aback and just changed the subject. But I've noticed she makes these kinds of comments frequently, I mean about my love life, or lack thereof, rather. Once, I was telling a student worker that sometimes when I'm running in my neighborhood, drivers will beep at me. I don't know if it's to say "way to go, keep running!" or "hey!" like maybe they think I'm someone I'm not since I don't know anyone in my town. My boss overhears this and says "Maybe they think you're cute." I'm thinking, yeah, cuz I look so hot heaving and sweating my balls off? I remember she made another comment a while ago and it didn't even make any sense? I can't remember the context, but again, she said something like "maybe he thought you were cute." I just ignore it because frankly, it makes me feel awkward, slightly pathetic, and unsure of how to respond.

"What's with today, today?"

Really, what's up with this week? I don't know what's different about this week, but I've been super down. I think Monday set the tone, but it wasn't just that stuff. And I don't even feel like the meetings with my therapist are very helpful. I know people say it helps to talk, and I guess, it sort of does, but it helps more when people offer you solutions or advice to help you get over your problems, which she doesn't do much of. I wish someone, oh I don't know, maybe a fairy godmother, would come along and wave a magic wand and just make everything better.

Mostly, this week I've been lonely, for the male gender, that is. I don't know why now more than lately, because it's not like I'm a stranger to long stretches. I mean, come on now, my life is pretty much one dry spell. To top it off, the last guy I kissed was um, well, someone I'd like to forget altogether.

I don't know what to do. Thinking back, every guy I've ever hooked up with (which thinking about it is pretty gross...that I've only ever hooked up with (and no, that does not mean slept with) guys as a one-time thing that never turned into anything and have never had a real serious relationship) I've met while out with my friends. I feel like I'm trapped. I almost feel a little bi-polar/schizo-ish thinking about it. I want friends, but I can't relate to my friends, but I still care about them, but I feel like crap around them, I want to go out and meet people, but have nobody to go out with, and even if I meet new friends, it's such a pain to start from scratch to get to know people, and then I'd probably experience the same thing with them, they'd move on and get married and leave me behind, again.

It's the same with men too. I want to meet a man, but I don't have friends to go out with to meet a man, even if I met one, I'm honestly scared to death of going through the process. I don't have history to talk about, will they think I'm weird? I'm not what you'd exactly call experienced, and I HATE when guys talk to you in that tone, do you know the tone I'm talking about? You can hear it switch on as soon as you say "I've never done this before" or something to that effect. It's like you can taste the pity. Ugh, who wants to deal with that.

Is there such a thing as an octuplet-edged sword? Cuz I feel like I'm being stabbed everywhere.

Not to EVEN mention work this week. I literally thought I was going to KILL my coworker. She is SO ...I don't even know the words to describe her. She is so fake. She tries to make herself seem so smart to everyone. I seriously think she reads the New Yorker and listens to NPR JUST to shove facts in people's faces and test their knowledge against hers. I think she has some serious self-esteem issues, always trying to one-up me in meetings or counter something I've said.

Friday was the kicker. We were talking about a museum that I've been to but she hasn't. She asked what kind of art it had. And I could literally picture it in my head, but I couldn't remember the name of the genre. She goes "Weren't you an Art History major?" I wanted to say "Aren't you a rude bitch?" Sorry I can't recall something I learned in undergard 10 YEARS AGO. All I said was "Well, I was general Fine Arts and took more studio than Art History."

Then she asked me if I had plans for the weekend. Of course all I could come up with is "I have to work," "Both days?" "No, just Sunday." In my head: "So, no I am not doing anything tonight or Saturday, happy?" My boss later asked me what I was doing this weekend. I said nothing, and I literally saw her brows crease as if looking at me like a pathetic loser.

I am at a loss. To agree with ecrivain, it's crippling. If the man-loneliness doesn't get me, the friend-loneliness will, and if neither of those gets me, the embarassment of the lack of both definitely will be the nail in the coffin. Excuse me while I self-implode.

Out of steam

I had big plans for today. I really did. I bought this cute new dress (in blue) to wear, I was going to sit outside and eat lunch and look as approachable as possible, go to Newbury Comics to buy the new Weezer CD and look for cute indie boys, email T to meet up for a strictly friendly lunch (at my therapist's suggestion because who knows, he could lead me to new friends, both male and female), and go to a concert tonight by myself to see if maybe I could meet people there.

So, I wore my new blue dress, but the weather today totally sucked. It rained, so I couldn't really eat outside. I went to NC and bought my CD, but nobody else was in the store. I emailed T, but he's going to a conference and won't be around (which even though is totally legitimate bc I know which conference he's going to, still makes me feel like he's avoiding me/scared of me/not really into being friends). By 5:00, I just wanted to go home and mope, so no concert for me.

So much for high ambitions. I don't think it's a coincidence that Bright Eyes is my favorite band:

"Ambition, I've found, can lead only to failure"