Yeah, I know what you mean, sorta, well, actually not really...

I got a card in the mail yesterday from my college friend M. She basically wrote that she doesn't know why I'm distancing myself from everyone, but that's she there if I need her. C sent me a similar card about a month ago. I'm torn. Part of me wants to tell M and C what's going on, even though I thought A would've told them after we met for dinner that time. Part of me just wants to keep the distance and not deal with anything. I just don't think they will understand. Even if they do, I don't think it would change anything. C moved to the Midwest two years ago and even though there could still be a friendship via email or phone, I hate talking on the phone (especially with C because there's something about the tone of her voice, but she always sounds bored or disinterested). M lives in a different state too and I never get to see her either. I want friends I can hang out with, go out with, have fun with, and not just see maybe once or twice a year for dinner. Maybe that's selfish, I don't know. I don't feel selfish, I feel sad and alone.

I also want friends I can identify with. I can't identify with any of my college friends. They've all moved on to other points in their lives. A tried to console me by saying that she was once in my shoes and that she can relate, but she's wrong. Before she met her boyfriend, A could at least identify with me. We were sort of on the same page with our luck with men. But now I'm the only one out of the group who's never been in love, never been in a serious relationship, never been intimate with someone more than once. So even though she thinks she can identify with where I am, she can't. But what's worse, in my eyes, is that I can't identify with where any of my friends are. Every time they tell me a story of what's going on in their lives, I have to pretend like I understand, like I can relate. Usually I just kept quiet, because what right did I have to give my two cents about anything. I have no basis for an opinion. That's partly why my relationship with K is rocky. Part of me feels like she used this to her advantage. She likes things the way she likes them and doesn't like to hear criticism or opposing views. I think she used to use me to unload all her shit on me knowing I wouldn't judge her, whereas I think she knew some of the other girls would speak up about some of the things she said and did. I know looking to the past is futile, but I still can't help but wish things could go back to the way they were when were all back in college, having fun, looking for love, trying to figure out who we were, but still all somewhat at the same place in our lives...*sigh*