Feeling weak

So I went to the Princess Bride quote along last night and I have to admit it was kinda fun, mostly because I love the movie and loved shouting out the lines and waving my inflatable sword at the screen. But, there were lots of dorks there, lots of dorks. I have nothing against dorks, on some levels I consider myself a dork, I even find slightly dorky guys incredibly hot, but these guys were hard core. I just don't think they're the type of people I think I could connect with on a deeper level.

So K emailed me back and we're going to meet tomorrow night. I'm so anxious about it, because I know it probably won't go well, but I figure I should just do it and then I really won't have to always wonder if I could've done something. D aka Miss Oblivious sent me a text message after B's bbq and said she missed my company, which I thought was a weird sentiment, but I haven't seen her since October, so I asked her to meet me next friday. I don't know what it is, if I'm just missing people who know me and know my past instead of having to always deal with people I can't open up to.

I don't know if it'll make anything better or worse. I know I still have some things to say to A that I never told her in January that I still think about, so obviously, they're still bugging me. I remember last May she invited me to go to this bar with her and D. I said yeah, and was really excited about it. I even joked "maybe you can help me find a boyfriend" although, there was definitely a ton of truth in that comment. Anyways, later in the day, she emailed me and said plans fell through and they weren't going anymore. Then she said, "But I'm going to a party with my bf in [name of obscure town out in the boonies], wanna come?" I felt so hurt and blown off. If D bailed, why couldn't the two of us just go? It made it seem like she was choosing her bf over me. And it hurt since I specifically made that comment too. I don't know. I still think about that. Plus. The morning after losing my V, which was a pretty horrible experience, she came to drop off my cell phone to me and proceeded to say sorry she was late, she was just having sex with her bf for two hours. Thanks. 1. TMI 2. Maybe you didn't know that it was horrible, but I mean come on, it was a pretty big event for me, she didn't even ask me about it. I just felt again, her bf seemed more important to her than me. Am I overreacting here?

Anyways, I still have tons of resentment and I feel like most of it is directed towards her. I don't know if it's a competitive thing because we were both in the same spot for so long and she "won" and i "lost." And it's not even one of those three month relationships either. They've been together now for 2 years and I'm pretty sure they'll get married. I don't know, for some reason, I feel like the sex thing has really come
between us. There's this My S0-Called Life quote that hits home for me:

Angela: [voiceover] There's this dividing line, between girls who've had sex, and girls who haven't, and all of a sudden, we realized that we were looking at each other across it.

It's just weird, I think about how many times they've probably done it, probably more times than they can count. And now, to them, it's nothing. And to me, it's still this big thing that makes me feel like a freak. This article really freaked me out. It just reaffirms my biggest anxieties about men and sex. Ugh.

I'm getting off track here. Anyways, I did sign up to go to two more events with two different groups. One is this Thursday at a bar and the other one is next a happy hour event next Thursday at a different bar. I figure if it involves drinking beer, it can't be all that horrible. We'll see. I feel like I do need to get out more. I miss it. I miss drinking. I know that sounds very alcoholic of me, but I'm really not. I more miss just the social aspect of it all and how I can socialize better when I've had a beer or two. I miss flirting with guys, even if they don't ask for me number or it goes nowhere. I miss having things to tell people when they ask me what I did over the weekend.

I know they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I feel like loneliness is making me weaker.