The short version...almost.

So much to blog, yet so tired. I think this past week has been a turning point for me. I went home for the weekend to see J (a friend from high school who now lives in Korea with her Air Force husband) and I just got back, so here's the short version. I'll prolly expand later.

I met K on Wednesday night. Cleared a ton of air. I feel WAY better after getting all that shit off my chest. Seriously, the book from my 8/9 post helped so much. Thursday I went to the bar and actually had a lot of fun. I met a lot of nice people that were way more normal than the Monday night people. I emailed M to see if maybe on my way home this weekend I could stop and see her, but then found out she was away on vacation. She called me Friday afternoon to say she was away and didn't want to think I was ignoring her. It actually felt ok to talk to her. Then, Friday night, I met D aka Miss Oblivious for dinner. I had intended to talk to her about how I feel like she's so self-absorbed, but I took advice from my therapist and decided to lower my expectations of her as a close friend and realized that even though she's fun to hang out with, she'll prolly never be a super close friend I can depend on in that way. I also emailed C to say hello and see if maybe I could visit her in the midwest. She hasn't replied, but I think she was away at a wedding.

I still want to talk to A about how I feel like she was blowing me off for her bf, which D actually mentioned she felt like A was doing to her. So, at least I don't feel alone in that respect. I think I really need to let go seeing A as such a close friend, because as much as I had in common with her before, that's gone now. Plus, I feel like she changed a lot since she started dating her bf, and maybe she can't be that close friend to me anymore. It sucks because, in my mind, I lost a close friend, but if her decision is to spend the majority of her time with her bf and put him before anyone else in her life, then I don't need someone like that constantly disappointing me and I will choose other people to be close with who won't treat me like that.

I know that this doesn't sound like me at all haha, but I'm slightly more optimistic about the future of my relationships with my friends than I was a week ago. I feel like a big part of why I felt so alone and resentful was because I was harboring all of these negative feelings towards them that they didn't know about. I don't think it'll resolve my feelings of jealousy and bitterness, but I do think it'll help me talk to them more effectively about what's going on as opposed to just shutting them out. Plus, being able to almost rearrange the so-called org chart of my group of friends really helps put things in perspective.

That being said, I'm still going to continue to look for more friends, guys and girls, who I feel like I might have more in common with, or who will be around more often to satisfy the level of socialization that I want.

So this week will be almost as crazy with going to an info session on Tuesday about taking continuing ed classes at work, arranging to meet with A possibly Wednesday or Friday, and going to the happy hour event on Thursday. I'm exhausted, but for the first time in a long time, I actually feel good.