Finding peace

I met A last night for dinner. I initiated it, I really felt like I needed to get stuff off my chest and let her know how I was feeling. We chit chatted for a while, catching up on stuff, but I never felt like there was a good segway to say what I wanted to say. We paid the check and it felt like we were going to leave, but I realized that I asked her here for a reason and that I shouldn't waste an opportunity like this.

So I began by bringing up how I met with K and how that went and eventually got in deep with how I felt like she was blowing me off for her bf or at least feeling like he was more important than me. She, like D, didn't even remember the night I thought she blew me off. She was so surprised that I remembered it and held onto it for so long. She admitted that yeah, maybe she was spending a lot of time with him because it was so new for her. She did say she had no excuse for being rushed the morning after I lost it and I told her how it hurt when she said why she was late. She did say that it was extremely insensitive of her. The thing I thought was weird though, was that she never said "I'm sorry." Maybe by admitting her actions it was an apology in and of itself, but I just thought that was weird.

Whatever, at least now I know that she knows. And I'm not saying that I don't resent her anymore or that I'm not still jealous of having what she has, but at the same time, I don't feel like she's that close of a friend anymore, so I feel like I don't care as much as I once did.

Speaking of my meeting with K, I have to say, it might have been one of the most constructive talks I've ever had with anyone. I literally spilled my guts, laid it all on the table, and was willing at that point to either try and repair our friendship or walk away saying "we had a good run for a while, but sometimes good things come to an end." I told her how I felt like she used me to do certain things and how I felt ignored when she went out with other groups of friends and didn't invite me along. I told her how I felt like she sometimes would talk down to me. I did this all with tact and in my "feelings" way that I learned in my class, stressing how "when this happens, or when you say this, or when you do this, this is how I feel," regardless of what you meant to do or say, and regardless of what the actual reality was. So, she listened and she let me know some things that she was unhappy with me about, which I obviously had no idea she was feeling.

In the end, I apologized for things I was unaware of, she apologized for things she was unaware she was doing and we both (I hope) felt better about the situation. I hope that I can move forward with everyone in a new way, not relying so much on them to be the people I hoped they would be, but just let them be the friends that they can be and accept that.