So like last week was busy, this week was incredibly slow. All my plans either fell through or I backed out of. I didn't got to the info session Tuesday, A backed out of dinner on Wednesday (she said she had to work late, and why can't I help but think she ditched me for something else, something better?), and then I totally backed out of the happy hour thing on Thursday. I was so tired, this week has been crazy at work.
By the end of the week, though, I was itching to get out, to do something, anything. I even got all Secret-y and envisioned getting back from a meeting and hearing a text or voicemail or checking my email and seeing someone ask me to do something. A little bit ambitious, I know, since I'm only at the start of the mend of my old friendships and it's not like I know anyone else. Big surprise, "You have no new messages."
Today was absolutely beautiful out and again I hoped someone somewhere would ask me to do something. Nothing. I ended up cleaning my entire apartment, which, don't get me wrong, is something I get great satisfaction from, but it's not exactly the same, ya know. I guess there's always the option of me asking them, but I think I don't feel confident enough to do that yet. After last week of asking to see everyone of my friends (except B) I feel like I'm moving too fast. Man, that sounds stupid, but it's just how I feel about the situation right now. B is a totally different story...but more on that later.
Anyways, I need to do more. I thought about just taking a book and myself to the Common to read, just to get out of the house. Somehow, it just seems like it takes so much effort.
I had lunch with two coworkers yesterday, one of whom was the one who openly talked about joining eharmony. She asked me if I'd done match, in front of the other coworker, which I thought was a little rude. What if I didn't feel comfortable talking about that? Whatever. Anyway, we were talking and she kept saying that I was so much like her, only younger. She's 40 and still single. Man, that scared me. What if I am just like her? What if that is me in 10 years? She's successful in her career and was engaged a long time ago and said she doesn't regret not getting married. Is she happy now though? That I don't know. I'm not so sure she is.
I just want my life to change. I know I keep beating a dead horse here, but I just want my life to be fun and exciting with friends to go out with and a man to come home to. I feel like lately I keep hearing that you have the love life you want or that if you want to be in love, you will be. Yeah, very Secret-ish. I feel like I've wanted it for so long though. Could I be lying to myself? Do I actually enjoy being by myself, moping, crying, longing for a man? I don't know anyone who would want those things. Sucky thing is lately I can't stop thinking about T. I'm sure it's just because I had lunch with him two weeks ago and then I saw him Wednesday at another seminar thingy at work. It was working better before when I didn't see him for like six months. Out of sight, out of mind type of thing.
I actually wouldn't mind a new distraction, even if he was well out of my reach. At least I could get my mind off T, who is a lost cause. I definitely need more distractions, men or otherwise, to get my mind off the loneliness, the boredom. I'm not sure which is more painful.
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Your 40 year old coworker reminds me of one of my supervisors who is 42. She openly talks about how she wants to get married or have a serious boyfriend, going on about how all of the best relationships she had came at the wrong times (like when she was unemployed). Now that she is successful and wants a man, she can't seem to get one she likes. I would often nod, while lending a kind ear to her while she would go on and on about relationships. I have a hunch that she may view me as a younger version of herself. It's kind of awkward, for me at least, to talk about dating lives at work. I guess I'm used to dealing with people who are married or in serious relationships.
One time in front of a bunch of coworkers, this 30-something mom of three asked me if I had a boyfriend. I was like WTF?...Why are you asking me such a personal question in front of ALL these people? But I kept my cool and simply responded "no comment." She asked me again rather obnoxiously and I responded "no comment" a second time. Then the same supervisor I mentioned above kindly interjected saying something like "that's means she has her eye on someone." Then the subject changed. THANK GOD.
The weather sounds nice where you are at...go outside and take a walk! Take advantage of that autumn weather even if it's by yourself. Explore. That's what I would do. Take Care!
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