I'm still alive update #3

So the third reason I hadn't been posting a lot lately was because of a family related problem. In the past, I wouldn't really talk about it with my friends because mostly I was embarrassed, but as I've grown older, I've realized that it's not something I have to be embarrassed about because it doesn't reflect on me or my character at all.

As far back as I can remember, I always picture my dad with a beer in his hand. I never really thought much about it growing up. I always thought it was kind of normal. I thought my relationship with my dad was normal. I was nothing close to daddy's little girl, in fact, when I heard that term, it always kind of creeped me out because I could never picture that type of relationship with him. He was just there.

I guess I never really noticed something was different until I was in high school. When I would go to my friends house I would see how they would interact with their dads, which wasn't something I didn't see when I was younger, I just don't think I noticed the difference until I was in my teens. I thought it was so weird. I thought, "wow, you talk to your dad?" "your dad makes dinner?" etc. Also, at that time, my dad started drinking way more alcohol, so maybe the difference in behavior was that much more dramatic.

It never really registered with me why my dad, who's a teacher, would come home at 5 or 5:30 everyday when school would let out at 2. It was only when my mom said one day that he was at "Bob's" after work that I realized he didn't work til 5 and it was only later that I learned that "Bob's" wasn't a teacher friend but a bar that I figured out what he was really doing. I never counted how much he drank back then, I just knew it was enough to piss me off and have him act like a complete asshole to not only me, but especially my mom. Only as an adult did I find out that he was drinking around 15 beers a day.

Remarkably, he never got a DUI or have some other bad thing happen to him as a result of drinking. I actually think his doctor told him his liver was in good shape, which is insane. The bad/good thing about his addiction is that it's not so bad where he's falling down or physically abusive or stealing money to buy alcohol or something; he's a functioning alcoholic, so he can hold down a job. My mom has said we should do an intervention, but really, he has nothing to lose, he has a job, money to support his habit, a house...the only thing he could lose would be us, which I don't think he'd really miss. I'm not saying he doesn't have a serious problem though. When he was having surgery a couple years ago, his dr had to order him a beer in the hospital because he was going through such bad withdrawal.

Anyways, so something must've happened at some point after I graduated college (some sort of threat or ultimatum) because my mom told him he could only have 2 beers a day at home and for the most part, we all believed, he was following those rules. Well, recently my mom found empty beer cans in their basement and over the holidays she found even more cans and empties in his car. This particularly freaked her out because she's scared that he's either drinking at work or drinking and driving and that he'll kill himself or someone else while driving. So basically he's been sneaking around and drinking right under my mom's nose.

So, my mom at this point, is trying to get my dad into therapy (he thinks he's just depressed, yeah right) and trying to make it work. I, on the other hand, want to tell her to divorce him because I think he's verbally abusive, childish, arrogant, and completely worthless to her. How do I say that to her and be supportive of her at the same time? It's tough. I don't know what to do. Personally, I could really take him or leave him. He was so mean to us growing up and aside from financially supporting me, he has been far from anything resembling a parent to me.

So, that's basically it.

Aside from that I'm having a particularly bad day. I have a huge cold sore on my lip. (I hate that I get them because I don't even have any fun times to attribute it to. I've been getting them ever since I was like seven, must've shared a drink with somone.) Then my mom was trying to give me a big chunk of money to help me with a downpayment and I didn't want it. She said that she gave my brother and sister similar amounts at their weddings. I said, yeah at their weddings and she said "who knows if you'll ever get married." Thanks mom, thanks. THEN, driving home, I got a nice big speeding ticket. Awesome. I'm having an awesome day.

I'm still alive update #2

So, another reason that I haven't blogged in a while was due to a personal medical problem, which was possibly the most embarrassing and disgusting thing imaginable. Because of this, I will absolutely spare you all the details, but I will say it had to do with my digestive system. I was in the most pain of my life for almost a month and almost ended up in the ER. Thankfully, a few doctors visits later and some highly nauseating treatments, I am feeling much better. However, even though I am temporarily better, it is pretty much guaranteed that I will have to live with this problem for the rest of my life.

I probably wouldn't share this information except that it directly affects my feelings towards relationships. It's not exactly something that I could hide from someone I would potentially be involved with. It's not like I could be crying in pain and NOT tell someone what was wrong. I had trouble talking to my doctor about it, how could I tell someone I liked? There are other reasons why it would be unavoidable to share this information to a potential boyfriend too. So, as I mentioned in my last post, I am trying to come to terms with never being with anyone, this is a huge contributor making this realization all the more easy. I could just avoid relationships altogether. Problem solved.

I know it's silly and that you're supposed to be able to share anything with the person you love, but it would most likely have to be shared sooner rather than later. So, it's not something I could save til I felt more comfortable with them. I don't think I'm being crazy because if a guy told me about this problem, I don't know how I would react either. Maybe I would like them enough that it wouldn't matter, but I am so guarded with revealing things about myself, my life, and my past, that I don't know if I'd be able to do it without dying of embarrassment first.

That brings me to the next thing that has been delaying my posts, but I'll save it for another time. It's too long to get into just now.

I'm still alive update #1

So, I know I haven't posted in a while, and it's for the reason I often lapse in posting, either I've got nothing to say because nothing is going on or what I do have to say is so depressing that I don't want to be whiny.

Last month wasn't the greatest for a couple of reasons, which I'll elaborate more on in upcoming posts. One of the main things bothering me last month I guess directly relates to the holidays and how I guess everyone feels lonely around them.

One thing that I noticed was that on my social utility site, everyone and their mother seems to either be married, engaged, or in a relationship and a couple profile photo to prove it-barf. I actually sat and counted up the single people that I know and I came up with 5 people. That's only people that I would consider friends or acquantences. If I wanted to include just friends, it's 2. Sometimes I feel like it's just all in my face everywhere I look.

On top of that one of my friends just got engaged and so the topic of conversation around my friends is of course weddings, and then turns to having babies, blah blah blah. Most uncomfortable was when my friends and I got together the Saturday after Christmas and the conversation turned to sex and if people had tried something specific that I won't get into here. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable being around the conversation, I don't mind getting pretty explicit about things, I'm definitely not a prude that way, maybe in other ways, but not conversationally. I guess it was more that I couldn't contribute to the conversation, because really, who am I to give an opinion when I haven't been in the situation or even remotely close to it. I don't know if anyone noticed that I didn't speak during that part of the night, but how could they not, everyone went around saying if they had or had not done it, except for me.

I also don't feel very hopeful about this new year. Online dating has been a complete bust for me and I will not be doing it again. I will attempt at going to these social meetings, but not to find men, more to just meet new people, girlfriends and guy friends, and keep myself busy.

At this point, I am trying to condition myself to not expect anything out of life. I know this goes against everything that the Secret teaches, but it also falls into the mentality of stuff happens when you're not looking for it too, so whatever. I've already pretty much come to terms with the fact that I will probably never have children. It's weird, I've always thought I wanted kids, but the more time I spend with my niece and nephews (which are great kids don't get me wrong) the more I realize that I don't know if I want them. Here's my reasoning. #1 I love sleep. I hate waking up early for anything. #2 I have zero tolerance for misbehavior and have a pretty bad temper, when I do get angry. I'm slightly afraid I'd be a spanker, which I don't necessarily want to be. #3 I see how draining kids are and how they hinder your life in many ways. I really like my freedom and don't know whether I could give up things. I know, I know, it's different when it's your own kids, but right now, unlike many of my other friends, I am NOT itching to have them anytime soon.

This works in my advantage I think. Don't guys get scared by those girls who are like "I just want to get married and have kids!" haha, well, maybe not, but I'm going to believe it's true. Next on my list is to condition myself not to expect marriage. Not everyone gets married in this world. And even more people don't stay married. This one is a little harder because if I don't have marriage to look forward to, then what do I? I am not one of those career driven people who wants to move up on the career ladder. So, what else is there? Watching everyone around you marry, have kids, etc. I know it's very "I have nothing to live for, let me just kill myself" kind of mentality. I mean sometimes I do feel that way, other times I don't, I just feel numb.

All I know is that I can't let myself believe that something will eventually happen. I've done that for over 15 years and I'm just continuously disappointed and driven deeper into depression. I figure if I expect nothing at all, if I do find something, at least I'll be surprised. But like I said, I am really feeling like I won't find anything and as weird as it sounds, it's starting to feel comforting.

New low

So I'm really bored. Not the "oh i have nothing to do" kind of bored. I'm bored with life right now. I miss excitement of going out and having stories and fun pictures, of meeting people, of feeling like there was potential out there. There's just not one person anywhere that is fulfilling that feeling and it really blows.

So, I haven't talked to T in forever. After our awkward lunch we emailed like twice but he was kind of weird, if not rude, so I stopped emailing him (since it was all on my end anyway) and haven't heard from him since.

But for some reason I did something very loserlike. Before I went out with him um, yeah, TWO years ago, I of course did my usual stalker routine online and found out the name of his ex-girlfiend. Psycho I know.

Well, tonight I decided to find her on the social networking site I just recently joined and didn't I find pics of T from when they were together, which is kind of weird don't you think to keep pics up of an ex especially considering she's dating someone new? But anyway, yeah, I found the pics and IIIII downloaded them to my computer. LOSER!!!

I'm so bored. Something HAS to change!

One of those days?

Did you ever have one of those days where all of your insecurities come barreling at you at the speed of light to the point of paralysis? Yeah. I'm having one of them. I know what the trigger was, although it's completely unrelated to anything that I'm feeling right now.

I was taking a class in something related to what my dept does, but something I have no part of directly. I was taking more for fun/information. Well, the class is way above my head technically speaking, and after trying to explain my final project idea to my professor, she talked to me so condescendingly that I felt like a complete imbecile. Yeah, I cried as I left the building. And yeah, I withdrew the second I got home. I feel like there's no need as an adult in my situation to let anyone or anything make me feel that way. EVER.

It just brought up feelings of inadequacy in terms of my intelligence, which then led to insecurity about my looks, social life, love life, you name it, the snowball effect. Once you get going, you can't really stop.

I saw my therapist today at lunch and she was telling me about all of the progress I have been making by reconnecting with my friends and letting them into my life again. She said that it was good that I was trying to think more logically and not let my resentment and anger cripple me the way I let it in the past. Joining the social site and volunteering are good ways to put myself out there. Though, I feel like an investor in today's economy, all my effort has gone to shit. I'm putting so much in and not getting anything in return. I feel like you can only take so much before you hit rock bottom and someone has to literally bail you out.

I feel like I'm in the exact same spot as I was when I was 25, 20, even 15. I've grown physically, well, that's not even true. I grew to my current size when I was 12 and have the stretch marks to prove it.

I guess I have gained some knowledge, although, I quickly forget almost everything that has ever been taught to me...kind of defeats the whole education process, no? I feel like I continually hide the fact that I don't know what people around me are talking about and quickly changing the subject to my area of knowledge: pop culture.

Psychologically, I feel like a child, always the baby of the family who can't do anything by herself, always relying on the parents for help, because real adults have gone through relationships and have relied on boyfriends or friends for that stuff, right?

Emotionally, same deal. I've had no experience that would have enabled me to grow into the real "me." You know when people talk about how it's the people they've met and loved that have made them who they are? Yeah, I don't get that concept because all I've known is the same I've known since forever. I don't know how I act when faced with confrontation. I don't know if I'm a jealous person. I don't know if I like PDA or not. I don't know about forgiving and making up. I haven't had the experiences to make me "me." Maybe I'm not even the real "me" yet. What if I never become "me?"

Someone needs to go to bed...

So cranky

So even though I just got back from visiting C she randomly came out this weekend and stayed with my friend M. Everyone made an effort to go see C and we all talked about how D just got engaged and how we don't like her fiance, blah blah blah. Well, A, who is def the maid of honor, said that D will definitely ask C to be in the wedding. M thought that D might ask me too. Don't get me wrong, I am totally relieved that she isn't planning on asking me, but it got me thinking.

All I could think about after that was that not one of my "friends" from this group has or will likely ask me to be in their weddings. I know that there are family obligations and with some groups of girls you can't ask just some girls and not others because it might get caddy, but we're not like that. Everyone so far will invite one or two to be in the wedding, it will just never be me. That kind of upsets me to know that I'm not close enough to any one of them in that way.

Likewise, I don't know who of them, if any, I would ask to be in my wedding. That got me even more depressed because my family is so F'd up that I prolly couldn't even invite 2/3 of them because of family drama. Then, I don't even think my sister would want to be my maid of honor. AND even IF I get married, by the time it happens, my friends will be so old and probably pregnant that they wouldn't even want to be bridesmaids at that point.

Then somehow the conversation led to sex and pregnancy, which I love since I have so much to contribute. Couple that with the fact I slept horribly on couches two nights in a row and woke up super early, the hoards of traffic I hit coming home, assholes cutting me off and my pigsty of an apt I came home to, which I can only blame myself for, and I am in a FINE mood. Can you tell? Haha.

And oh, I learned that in addition to possibly fucking Gary and keeping Eric on hold until he comes back from Iraq (she couldn't figure anything out with him so far away, please), K is apparently fucking some other guy that she knows. So shady I think, but why do I care? It's not what I want, but, still, the fact that she is stringing three different guys along (the fact that she can get three guys to want her even) really annoys me.

So glad it's Sunday and I have to wake up early and go to work tomorrow. =)

Why do I even care?

So this past weekend I decided to visit C out of state in the midwest. Wow, no offense to anyone living out that way, but what a difference from living in a major city on the east coast. What is it with college football anyways? So having nothing else to do but talk, C revealed something to me that I thought was pretty shocking.

Let me start with some backstory first. So, back in college C had a thing for this guy, lets call him Gary. So they made out a bit but things never took off and they remained friends, to this day. Junior year Gary and K spent time hanging out over the summer and got really close and eventually started dating. They dated for 5 years! until a point in their relationship when K revealed she had feelings for this friend of hers, let's call him Eric. Honestly, I never thought that she was completely committed to Gary and she always hung out with a lot of guy friends, Eric included. Well, Gary did NOT take it well, even revealing to C that he hated her and suspected she had been cheating on him and could never trust her again. (Gary and C have kept in touch this whole time.)

So, I had lunch with A last weekend and she asked me if K and Gary were fucking. I was like WHAT? Hell no! Gary hates K, I mean, as far as I know anyways. I know after they broke up (about 2 years ago now) that she moved to the same town as him, actually just about 2 blocks away from him, but I don't think that had anything to do with him, just that she liked that part of town. Well, I mentioned this to C this weekend saying "isn't that weird that she would think that?" She then told me that K told her that her and Gary had actually made out recently..shocking. I never saw that one coming. I think it's a horrible idea if they are fucking, because honestly when do 'friends with benefits' ever work out and if they are doing just that without being back together someone, if not both of them, are going to get hurt, which I don't want to see, obviously.

Anyways, in the course of this conversation, I don't know how it came about, but C tells me that Gary visited her out in the midwest about a year ago. I thought that was totally weird. I mean, yeah they're friends, but close enough to spend $250 on airfare to say hi to? Weird. Well, she then revealed that she ended up having sex with him while he was there. Wow.

I was shocked. I did my best not to reveal this. I mean, she is an adult capable of making her own decisions and who am I to judge her, but it wasn't so much of her having a one night stand that shocked me. I think it had more to do with the fact that she had the opportunity to do that with someone she knew and trusted and felt comfortable with. Here I am knowing nobody, let alone any guy friends I would want to do that with. I don't know, I can't explain it, but I definitely felt jealousy. I don't want a one night stand though, so I don't get why I'd be jealous of that. Maybe it's just knowing she's slept with another person expanding the gap between her and myself and is one-upping me? I don't want to be one of those kinds of girls who keeps score, all I want is one really. The right one, obviously.

I mean, C and K are the only two other single girls from my group and if K is fucking Gary and C doesn't seem to be having a problem getting laid, even it was by Gary haha, then what the fuck is wrong with me?

I need to stop talking about this. In happier news, one of my friends, D, is engaged! Barf. One more down the tubes. Not that I envy her situation, her boyfriend is a loser. But, before long I can just see A getting engaged, K getting back together with Gary and me being the only loser girl on the east coast who can't get a date or get laid when she wants one/to.