So, I obviously haven't posted in a really long time. Some of you might think that the reason is that maybe I got lucky and found someone, things are finally on the upswing, that I'm happy. Unfortunately, that's not the case at all. It's way more uninteresting and depressing than that. Nothing has really changed at all, for the better or for the worse. Well, that may be debatable.
I just got really tired of vomiting up my depression for all the world to view. Besides, it wasn't really making me feel any better. Don't get me wrong, knowing that I'm not alone and that other people are in similar situations does bring me comfort and I continue to read all your blogs daily. For some reason, I just can't really stomach mine anymore.
The only reason I'm posting now is because I turned 30 on Thursday. It actually wasn't as bad as I had imagined it would be for the past decade. I think it's probably because I've been prepping myself for the day for a really long time. My birthday has always been a sore subject for me. It's always around the long weekend, so inevitably, everyone's always too busy to celebrate. I've also had a string of bad birthdays, the worst was when I had my wisdom teeth out and spent my 20th birthday vomiting up blood. The next year was supposed to be an awesome one, the big 21. Yeah. I spent it home alone watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Nobody took me out. My first adult drink I bought for myself.
I try to avoid anyone finding out about it too because it's not something I really want to celebrate anyway. I'm pretty sure I have Peter Pan syndrome. I'm sure being alone and unaccomplished might have something to do with that. So I don't list it on Facebook and didn't let anyone post on my wall that day. The people who I really care about sent me a text, and that was all I wanted. I spent the day at a museum and the movies followed by 4 beers while listening to depressing music and crying myself to sleep. The perfect day.
In other news, in case you really want some cheer...
Things with my family continue to be crappy. I still haven't spoken to my dad since April of 09. I'm open now to meeting with him, with a mediator to help guide the conversation. Things with my sister and my mother are still strained. Things with my sister and sister-in-law are still strained. So that's all been a joy to deal with.
The atmosphere at work is becoming unsettling. Things seem to be changing in a way that I suppose is good for my office. Things, as always, are moving towards technology with a high demand for things faster and easier and by changing, my office is avoiding becoming obsolete, except the drawback of that is that my work and the work of my colleagues is veering very much away from what we actually went to school to study. I've been kind of unhappy for a while, not just with my job, but with this town. I feel like I need a change. Unfortunately, there aren't many jobs elsewhere or anywhere for that matter and I am not one to move without a steady income.
Ugh, see, I don't even like this post. Just word garbage.
On a final note...I have a mouse in my apt. Glee!
P.S. I do appreciate those of you that have expressed concerned over my absence...you're honestly the only ones that notice when I'm not "there."
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Feeling the stress
I wish that I was inspired to write when things go right in my life, but of course, that's never the case.
My acne decided to clear up just before I had to take some time off from work to take care of a medical issue that I've been struggling with for years. I had to have surgery and was home for about two weeks recovering over the Christmas/New Years holidays. I knew it would be a hard recovery, but it was even worse than I thought. Thankfully, I'm on the mend now and things should only improve from here on out.
My mom ended up staying with me to help, which was very nice of her, but it did end up being kind of awkward. She talked to my dad at least once if not twice a day, which made me a little uncomfortable. Then the weekend she left me, she emailed me saying she let him move back in the house.
Upon hearing this news, my sister for some reason decided she couldn't handle talking to my mom right now, so at the moment, they are not in contact. I know this upsets my mom, but I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to my sister, but she won't tell me what's going on. My mom asks me and I can't even explain it, but maybe it's better if I don't know anything that way I'm not dragged into it.
This weekend, my sister, my brother and I all met up to exchange Christmas gifts for the kids since none of us spent the holiday together (my dad went to my brother's, I was incapacitated with my mom, and my sister spent it alone). It was so awkward. For the second year in a row, my sister ended up sitting next to my sister-in-law and let's just say they do not get along. Well, my sister I think makes an effort, it's my sister-in-law who is weird. She's hard to explain. Even I have felt a strain in our relationship over the years. She definitely has changed since my brother started making more money and she has very strong beliefs in things relating to health and parenting, which I know gets in the way of her and my sister's relationship. She also doesn't get along great with my mother and I've heard her vent about her and when you hear someone talk bad about your mom, it's just a hard thing to forget.
So needless to say, the acne is back along with a lovely cold sore. Luckily, my doctor prescribed me something for it and it's actually made some difference; it's still there, but I think it should go away quicker than normal.
I know when my body starts reacting to stress that it's really getting to me. Usually, I feel like I handle it pretty well, and by well, I mean internalizing it and suppressing it, ya know, the healthy way to deal with it. It's just become so difficult. I feel like my entire family is falling apart and without a family of my own to fall into, I feel like I'm falling apart.
My acne decided to clear up just before I had to take some time off from work to take care of a medical issue that I've been struggling with for years. I had to have surgery and was home for about two weeks recovering over the Christmas/New Years holidays. I knew it would be a hard recovery, but it was even worse than I thought. Thankfully, I'm on the mend now and things should only improve from here on out.
My mom ended up staying with me to help, which was very nice of her, but it did end up being kind of awkward. She talked to my dad at least once if not twice a day, which made me a little uncomfortable. Then the weekend she left me, she emailed me saying she let him move back in the house.
Upon hearing this news, my sister for some reason decided she couldn't handle talking to my mom right now, so at the moment, they are not in contact. I know this upsets my mom, but I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to my sister, but she won't tell me what's going on. My mom asks me and I can't even explain it, but maybe it's better if I don't know anything that way I'm not dragged into it.
This weekend, my sister, my brother and I all met up to exchange Christmas gifts for the kids since none of us spent the holiday together (my dad went to my brother's, I was incapacitated with my mom, and my sister spent it alone). It was so awkward. For the second year in a row, my sister ended up sitting next to my sister-in-law and let's just say they do not get along. Well, my sister I think makes an effort, it's my sister-in-law who is weird. She's hard to explain. Even I have felt a strain in our relationship over the years. She definitely has changed since my brother started making more money and she has very strong beliefs in things relating to health and parenting, which I know gets in the way of her and my sister's relationship. She also doesn't get along great with my mother and I've heard her vent about her and when you hear someone talk bad about your mom, it's just a hard thing to forget.
So needless to say, the acne is back along with a lovely cold sore. Luckily, my doctor prescribed me something for it and it's actually made some difference; it's still there, but I think it should go away quicker than normal.
I know when my body starts reacting to stress that it's really getting to me. Usually, I feel like I handle it pretty well, and by well, I mean internalizing it and suppressing it, ya know, the healthy way to deal with it. It's just become so difficult. I feel like my entire family is falling apart and without a family of my own to fall into, I feel like I'm falling apart.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Feeling overwhelmed
These stupid rainy weekends always put me in a more depressed mood than usual. Today I've been feeling very overwhelmed with everything. So beware, this is sort of a bitchfest.
After months of struggling with the decision to divorce my father, my mother decided to put the divorce on hold after my father *promised* to go to AA and work on his addiction. This news should make me happy, but in fact it actually upsets me more.
I've seen all of what she has had to endure emotionally, psychologically, and physically that I just don't want her to go through any more. I've also seen his pattern of saying it'll get better and that he wants to work it out and then disappointing her. I have a feeling that his latest attempt at reconciliation is under false pretenses. I think he's either lonely now that the holiday season is approaching, he's missing his grandkids he's not allowed to see and thinks repairing the marriage will rectify that, or he's just plain tired of cooking his own meals, washing his own clothes and dishes and wants her to do it for him again.
Even though I am his daughter and I am connected to the situation, I think growing up I definitely saw things through different eyes than my mother. I wasn't married to him and I didn't have to stay with him and live with him forever. After high school it was only summers in college that I had to endure his behavior and his verbal abuse to my mom. I feel like I developed a more objective view of their relationship because he really was never a dad to me, just someone who happened to be my father.
It's funny that as a person who's never had a real relationship I feel as though I have a good idea of what a healthy one should be. It probably is the reason I am so picky with who I want to be with, which I think I've written about previously.
With all of this going on, I just wish I had someone to talk to about it or someone to get my mind off of it and cheer me up. I know I can call my friends, but they have their own stuff going on and sometimes it's random times during the day that I wish I could talk to a best friend, have them give me a hug and tell me it's going to be okay. That guy from The Wedding Singer was right, that's all I really want.
I hate that everything I want is so unattainable to me-love, a house, a normal family. I know everyone's family is not "normal" but I wish that I was actually able to envision a wedding for myself, but I can't. My father wouldn't be in the picture. We don't talk to half my family because of family fights. There's a couple "bad sheep," one of which is currently in jail. I think there would be less than 10 people on my side there. We can barely have any normal family functions. This Thanksgiving is a good example. My brother invited my dad (he still talks to him for some reason which I cannot understand), he didn't end up going, but he didn't even invite me (single and all alone!) or my sister and her family. So my brother and sister each spent the holiday alone. So weird. I ended up going with my mom to my grandparents house and my neurotic aunt and my 35 yr old cousin, who my grandparents and aunt still support, were there! Hello, you're 35, grow up!
I can't afford a home because I don't make a lot in my profession and probably never will so owning without the help of someone else (and I cannot handle a roommate at this point in my life) is out of the question. I'm beginning to hate this stupid apartment. My downstairs neighbor plays his bass SO loud, it's ridiculous. I told him to lower it the day he moved in, but I still hear it every day. Last night I was so upset I stomped on the floor out of frustration. I hate that it's come to that. I can't even get a dog here, which I'd love to have for company and some love in my life.
I think my friends think that I should go to therapy for everything that I'm feeling, but I've tried that and I don't feel like it really helped. Besides, a therapist can't repair my family for me, they wouldn't be able to buy me a home, and I don't think it's in their job description to find me a date. I understand that a therapist would help you deal with you problems and maybe accept your life as it is, be thankful for what you do have. But why would I want to accept and be happy with this life? Isn't it everyone's dream to find love and happiness? Why would I want to accept a life of loneliness? I am thankful for what I do have and know that some people have much less than I do, materialistically that is, but there are some people who have so much less but at the same time have so much more than I do, emotionally that is. I think I'd give up everything I have to love someone who'd love me back.
After months of struggling with the decision to divorce my father, my mother decided to put the divorce on hold after my father *promised* to go to AA and work on his addiction. This news should make me happy, but in fact it actually upsets me more.
I've seen all of what she has had to endure emotionally, psychologically, and physically that I just don't want her to go through any more. I've also seen his pattern of saying it'll get better and that he wants to work it out and then disappointing her. I have a feeling that his latest attempt at reconciliation is under false pretenses. I think he's either lonely now that the holiday season is approaching, he's missing his grandkids he's not allowed to see and thinks repairing the marriage will rectify that, or he's just plain tired of cooking his own meals, washing his own clothes and dishes and wants her to do it for him again.
Even though I am his daughter and I am connected to the situation, I think growing up I definitely saw things through different eyes than my mother. I wasn't married to him and I didn't have to stay with him and live with him forever. After high school it was only summers in college that I had to endure his behavior and his verbal abuse to my mom. I feel like I developed a more objective view of their relationship because he really was never a dad to me, just someone who happened to be my father.
It's funny that as a person who's never had a real relationship I feel as though I have a good idea of what a healthy one should be. It probably is the reason I am so picky with who I want to be with, which I think I've written about previously.
With all of this going on, I just wish I had someone to talk to about it or someone to get my mind off of it and cheer me up. I know I can call my friends, but they have their own stuff going on and sometimes it's random times during the day that I wish I could talk to a best friend, have them give me a hug and tell me it's going to be okay. That guy from The Wedding Singer was right, that's all I really want.
I hate that everything I want is so unattainable to me-love, a house, a normal family. I know everyone's family is not "normal" but I wish that I was actually able to envision a wedding for myself, but I can't. My father wouldn't be in the picture. We don't talk to half my family because of family fights. There's a couple "bad sheep," one of which is currently in jail. I think there would be less than 10 people on my side there. We can barely have any normal family functions. This Thanksgiving is a good example. My brother invited my dad (he still talks to him for some reason which I cannot understand), he didn't end up going, but he didn't even invite me (single and all alone!) or my sister and her family. So my brother and sister each spent the holiday alone. So weird. I ended up going with my mom to my grandparents house and my neurotic aunt and my 35 yr old cousin, who my grandparents and aunt still support, were there! Hello, you're 35, grow up!
I can't afford a home because I don't make a lot in my profession and probably never will so owning without the help of someone else (and I cannot handle a roommate at this point in my life) is out of the question. I'm beginning to hate this stupid apartment. My downstairs neighbor plays his bass SO loud, it's ridiculous. I told him to lower it the day he moved in, but I still hear it every day. Last night I was so upset I stomped on the floor out of frustration. I hate that it's come to that. I can't even get a dog here, which I'd love to have for company and some love in my life.
I think my friends think that I should go to therapy for everything that I'm feeling, but I've tried that and I don't feel like it really helped. Besides, a therapist can't repair my family for me, they wouldn't be able to buy me a home, and I don't think it's in their job description to find me a date. I understand that a therapist would help you deal with you problems and maybe accept your life as it is, be thankful for what you do have. But why would I want to accept and be happy with this life? Isn't it everyone's dream to find love and happiness? Why would I want to accept a life of loneliness? I am thankful for what I do have and know that some people have much less than I do, materialistically that is, but there are some people who have so much less but at the same time have so much more than I do, emotionally that is. I think I'd give up everything I have to love someone who'd love me back.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Why do I even bother?
So, my mom did not have a second heart attack, which is great news, although, there is still a very long road ahead of her. I just hope that it doesn't affect her physically again like that, so scary. She called me Friday night so upset. I was out with K and got a voicemail. I feel horrible being so far away from her while she's going through this and also not knowing what to say to her either.
Friday, I met up with K and her fiance on a pub crawl that her coworkers had organized. People, my friends mostly, wonder why I'm so pessimistic about finding someone and don't understand why I think I'll ultimately end up alone. Friday night was the perfect example of my reasoning. Upon being introduced to two guys that showed up, they not only gave me the most uninterested look, they immediately walked away and talked to other people. Maybe they were attached, maybe they were gay, but usually, nay always, this is the reaction I get from men-disinterest.
Later, I was talking to K and this one guy and realized he grew up a town over from me. I'm a little older and couldn't name anyone he knew, but still, he made no attempt to even talk about this commonality. Rather, he was totally distracted texting on his phone. If, however, I was attractive, how much do you want to bet that there would be endless things to sprout from that one fact. I was going to go on to a party with K and her fiance but at the last minute decided to just go home.
It was just one of those nights where you feel like "why do I even bother?" Why do I bother putting on makeup and straightening my hair and picking out a cute outfit when I'm going to be totally ignored by the exact people I am trying to impress. It doesn't even make me feel better to do those things. On What Not to Wear they're always saying you should dress and take care of your appearance to make yourself feel better, but honestly, it just makes me feel like I'm living a lie, like I'm trying to fit in and it's not even working. It really bothers me that all of my friends don't even need to wear makeup or do their hair to look good, they're pretty naturally. And me, I look like a haggard without makeup or done hair.
I had a horrible Saturday. It was dark and rainy all day, thanks Ida, and I just felt awful. I just don't know why I try to trick myself into believing that it'll happen eventually, when I, of all people, know deep down that it won't. Every day I feel like I'm looking older and looking worse than when I was younger. My eyes are so sunken in and baggy and I'm getting random white hairs. Maybe I should just embrace my age and looks and say "fuck it." What would it even matter?
I guess the reason I'm posting today is that A just got engaged. So, out of all my friends that live on the east coast I am the only single one, the only one who is not married or not engaged. Still gets me every time.
Every little thing is making me feel less and less close to my friends. Wedding stuff, buying houses, starting families, dealing with in-laws. It's all just so foreign to me. I can tell that they grasp at straws to talk about things too, because I have nothing going on, except my parents, which isn't something I necessarily want to talk about all the time. I know that when we all get together at xmas, they're all going to want to talk about wedding crap. Joy.
Friday, I met up with K and her fiance on a pub crawl that her coworkers had organized. People, my friends mostly, wonder why I'm so pessimistic about finding someone and don't understand why I think I'll ultimately end up alone. Friday night was the perfect example of my reasoning. Upon being introduced to two guys that showed up, they not only gave me the most uninterested look, they immediately walked away and talked to other people. Maybe they were attached, maybe they were gay, but usually, nay always, this is the reaction I get from men-disinterest.
Later, I was talking to K and this one guy and realized he grew up a town over from me. I'm a little older and couldn't name anyone he knew, but still, he made no attempt to even talk about this commonality. Rather, he was totally distracted texting on his phone. If, however, I was attractive, how much do you want to bet that there would be endless things to sprout from that one fact. I was going to go on to a party with K and her fiance but at the last minute decided to just go home.
It was just one of those nights where you feel like "why do I even bother?" Why do I bother putting on makeup and straightening my hair and picking out a cute outfit when I'm going to be totally ignored by the exact people I am trying to impress. It doesn't even make me feel better to do those things. On What Not to Wear they're always saying you should dress and take care of your appearance to make yourself feel better, but honestly, it just makes me feel like I'm living a lie, like I'm trying to fit in and it's not even working. It really bothers me that all of my friends don't even need to wear makeup or do their hair to look good, they're pretty naturally. And me, I look like a haggard without makeup or done hair.
I had a horrible Saturday. It was dark and rainy all day, thanks Ida, and I just felt awful. I just don't know why I try to trick myself into believing that it'll happen eventually, when I, of all people, know deep down that it won't. Every day I feel like I'm looking older and looking worse than when I was younger. My eyes are so sunken in and baggy and I'm getting random white hairs. Maybe I should just embrace my age and looks and say "fuck it." What would it even matter?
I guess the reason I'm posting today is that A just got engaged. So, out of all my friends that live on the east coast I am the only single one, the only one who is not married or not engaged. Still gets me every time.
Every little thing is making me feel less and less close to my friends. Wedding stuff, buying houses, starting families, dealing with in-laws. It's all just so foreign to me. I can tell that they grasp at straws to talk about things too, because I have nothing going on, except my parents, which isn't something I necessarily want to talk about all the time. I know that when we all get together at xmas, they're all going to want to talk about wedding crap. Joy.
Friday, November 6, 2009
I'd rather be alone
So, my mom is in the hospital again. My parent's are officially getting divorced, well, as soon as the marshall can find my dad to serve him the papers. I guess my mom found out that not only was he fooling around with someone else, he signed up for match.com. I'd say he's checked out of the marraige. She finally made the decision, and I'm proud of her, but I wish it wasn't so phsyically taxing on her. So far it doesn't look like it's another heart attack, maybe just a bad anxiety attack from being so upset, but still. I'm worried about her. She's never gone through A breakup at all let alone a 42 year relationship breakup.
I don't know if it's because I saw first hand how awful a marraige can be and how trapped you can get in it when your feelings get so strong and overpowering that I've been so picky and waited so long in finding someone of my own. I am so scared of ending up with someone that I'd fall out of love with or who would end up treating me like crap. I want this person to be perfect. In doing so, though, I'm scared I've built up my image of this person to something nobody could measure up to. Although, in the end, I think I'd rather be alone, forever, than be with someone who treated me the way my dad has treated my mom.
I just hope that there's some peace ahead. For me, for her, for everyone in my family. I don't know how much more stress I can take. I noticed a cold sore coming on yesterday, I'm sure from stress. Ironically, I've been getting them since I was 11 or 12, probably from sharing a glass and not from being promiscuous like so many people insinuate when they see people with them. And it only adds to me feeling horrible and disgusting on top of feeling sad and worried for my mom. At least it's Friday and I can avoid everyone for 2 days.
I don't know if it's because I saw first hand how awful a marraige can be and how trapped you can get in it when your feelings get so strong and overpowering that I've been so picky and waited so long in finding someone of my own. I am so scared of ending up with someone that I'd fall out of love with or who would end up treating me like crap. I want this person to be perfect. In doing so, though, I'm scared I've built up my image of this person to something nobody could measure up to. Although, in the end, I think I'd rather be alone, forever, than be with someone who treated me the way my dad has treated my mom.
I just hope that there's some peace ahead. For me, for her, for everyone in my family. I don't know how much more stress I can take. I noticed a cold sore coming on yesterday, I'm sure from stress. Ironically, I've been getting them since I was 11 or 12, probably from sharing a glass and not from being promiscuous like so many people insinuate when they see people with them. And it only adds to me feeling horrible and disgusting on top of feeling sad and worried for my mom. At least it's Friday and I can avoid everyone for 2 days.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
No one to notice
I went to a concert last night with A and D and before we went we grabbed a drink. A said she was feeling really bummed lately and she didn't know why. I said yeah, I've been feeling pretty bummed lately too. She was like, yeah, these past 3 days have been awful. I was like, oh, I've been bummed since D's wedding...a MONTH ago. I guess that didn't seem to phase her. She was like, my boyfriend even asked what was wrong, like, it's bad enough that other people are noticing. Funny, nobody ever really notices when I'm bummed out because I never see anyone and live alone. So, really I don't know why I even bother telling anyone. Nobody really seems to care.
I have a birthday party to go to tonight, it's actually the guy from the wedding that asked me why I wasn't married yet. I really don't even feel like going. I'm in such a bad mood. I feel like I should go just because my friends are and one from out of state will be there. Ugh.
I really wish I could get out of here, like to another state or country or something. I've been looking at job sites, but there really isn't anything out there. I feel like this place is suffocating me for some reason. I need to get away. I feel like I want to retreat from everyone like last time. I know that's not a solution, but somehow it was comforting. I can't really explain.
Anyways, I guess I should go get ready for this stupid party.
I have a birthday party to go to tonight, it's actually the guy from the wedding that asked me why I wasn't married yet. I really don't even feel like going. I'm in such a bad mood. I feel like I should go just because my friends are and one from out of state will be there. Ugh.
I really wish I could get out of here, like to another state or country or something. I've been looking at job sites, but there really isn't anything out there. I feel like this place is suffocating me for some reason. I need to get away. I feel like I want to retreat from everyone like last time. I know that's not a solution, but somehow it was comforting. I can't really explain.
Anyways, I guess I should go get ready for this stupid party.
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