Sorry for the disappointment folks. Unlike what most of you probably attribute to my absence from this blog, unfortunately, it has not been because I've found the love of my life and am living in romantic bliss. It's quite the opposite. It's that absolutely nothing has changed and there is nothing of worth to report.
I think last I left this blog, I was getting over the crush of my coworker who turned out to be gay. Well, that was what? 2 years ago? There has not been one, not a single romantic interest in my life since then. Not even the potential for a new friend. Life has been remarkably boring for the past few years with nothing new or exciting to report. I am still at the same job, still in the same condo that I purchased almost 3 years ago, still single, still superbly fucking miserable. Unlike other bloggers, who seem to find success in the online dating circuit or get set up by friends, I have not met a single person. Let me clarify what I mean by "success," I don't mean meeting someone and having that lead to a relationship, I mean just actually getting a hit on your profile from someone who's not over 50, obese, and unattractive. I don't get any responses on my profile. The fact that others not only get responses, but actually get to meet people seems remarkable to me. It's like I have fucking leprosy. I don't get it, which is why I no longer participate in those sites.
On some level though, I don't even think I could handle even getting involved with anyone anymore. It's almost like it's too scary, too terrifying. At this point, it's been almost 7 years since I've even kissed anyone. There's just so much anxiety that comes with trying to explain what the fuck I've been doing with my life since then and why as a 33 year old woman I've only had sex once and don't even remember it, and why I've never been in a relationship at all; it just seems all too overwhelming. And so, a part of me feels like it would just be easier to give up, to bear this loneliness as part of my fate. Even though I don't believe in a god or destiny, part of me feels like I was born to live this life, not that it's my fate, but that it's more of my personality, that it's just who I am. I'm not trying to lay blame on anyone, but the atmosphere in which I grew up was not one that encouraged romantic love. My parents had marital troubles while I was growing up and so I wasn't aware of how a functioning marriage might behave. I also wasn't encouraged by my mother to engage in any kind of normal dating rites that most teenagers experience. I was always told that "boys are bad" and "stay away from boys." I'm not trying to blame my mother here, but it did instill a sense of distrust toward the opposite gender. It made me feel like boys were only after one thing and that they weren't to be trusted. And so, fast forward 20 years and here I am, still terrified of what a guy really wants from me and what he will think of me when I tell him my past.
Since there is and doesn't seem like there will ever be any love updates in the future, I will share that I am looking to sell my condo so that I can buy a house in the Spring. Ugh, living on the first floor of a multi-unit building is the worst! I have always been on the top floor of a building and had never experienced a heavy-footed upstairs neighbor. Holy shit! I feel like I live underneath an elephant! And my upstairs neighbor has 3 cats and a dog, who barks any time the cats chase each other, which is, all the time! F*ing A. I cannot wait to have my own space, at which point, I'll hopefully get a dog of my own, but who knows. At the current moment I'm on hiatus because it seems that every dog rescue in New England doesn't want a single woman who works full time to have a dog. I don't know what it is about these dog rescue places, but they need to get off their high horses. Yes, I work full time, and no I don't have a fully fenced in yard, but I will love the f*ing shit out of this dog, and just because someone is home full time with kids doesn't mean that the dog is going to get their full attention, it could in fact be just the opposite! Kids take priority over pets most often. Whereas, I don't have any kids and can give a pet my full attention, but NOOOOO, I must be a selfish fucking asshole if I'm a single person living in a city. I can't possibly take a dog on walks or to the dog park, but a person who has kids and a doggy door who never walks the dog must be a perfect pet parent.
It's almost worse than being rejected by a man, because it's not even like the pet itself is coming up to meet me and then turning its nose at me, it's someone who's rejecting me on their behalf. You don't know me! You don't know what kind of pet parent I would be! Tons of fucktard people have kids every day without their kids asking if they want them as parents, but that's perfectly fine, nobody questions that. Reverse it and it's like I'm the devil because I don't have a fully fenced yard or other dogs in my home.
I'm really just ranting because I'm having a bad week, I'm slightly, or maybe really, intoxicated, and I just need a venue to spew my grievances. Plus, I've complained about my life to so many people so many times that at this point I can't even garner any sympathy from anyone anymore. They've heard it all before, depending on who they are, for 5, 10, even 15 years now. My college friends don't even know what to say to me anymore. They can't even offer that crappy advice, which I'm not complaining about because, quite frankly, it is super depressing. If I hear "you'll meet someone" one more fucking time.... My friend K told me on my last birthday as we met for coffee, "I honestly don't know why you haven't met anyone, I really can't figure it out." And although I appreciated her honesty, it hurt all the same for some reason. Maybe because of the truth in it. It's often when I hear the truth in other people's advice or statements and not some bullshit "there's fish in the sea" crap that I get sad. I think it's because that means it's real. It's real, not just in my mind, but in theirs too. They see it, the injustice, how it's not fair that they, and everyone we know, has found love, and yet I remain alone, just me, and nobody else.
And so, I depart tonight utterly hopeless. My internal mantra as I fall asleep every night remains the same, "things will only get worse, they'll never get better." And it's only for the sake of my loved ones that I don't end it all now. I've never had the guts to do it or do it to them. And so, I resolve to go on, each boring day after boring day, with disappointment and nothingness. It's what, just another 60 or so years, I guess I can handle it. I wouldn't be the first.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Time flies when you're...doing nothing
So today is my anniversary. It's my 5 year anniversary of having been with anyone, kissed anyone, whatever. It's been 5 years and it feels like it's forever. My title is a lie, time doesn't fly, it goes by extremely painfully slow. It doesn't feel like yesterday; it feels like another lifetime. It feels like another life, another me. The person I am today, man, I can't even imagine myself in a situation where someone would kiss me, or be interested in kissing me, or be interested in me at all.
I still have my day planner from that year and in the back in the notes section where you would normally keep addresses and lists and whatnot, I wrote a little note to myself. I said "in a year where I have accomplished so much, finished my degree, got a full time job in a career that I loved and not just a job that I hated, it's funny that I feel suicidal." Funny how little things change. Even after five years I still feel the pain of that awful night, that blacked out decision. I'd take it all back. What does it really mean anyway? What am I really supposed to tell someone about that? I guess there's nobody to tell but all of you..few.
It still pains me to know that I even liked my gay coworker. I get mad at myself that I should've known somehow. I'm still having issues with drinking more than I should, mostly when hanging out after work with him. It's not so much that I'm upset that he's gay, because actually I'm liking him less and less as I get to know him, it's more that I let myself get my hopes up in the first place. I should've known better.
Even recently, I went on a pub crawl with a friend of mine and the instant we got there I saw this guy I liked and who was totally my type. I pointed him out at the second bar to my friend from across the room. Then, later, he ended up right near us and she said, "Oh, he's cute." I said, "I know, right." It was only later that I figured it out that she didn't realize it was the same guy. So, essentially, we thought the same guy was cute. We ended up talking to him by the fourth bar and hanging out with him the rest of the night. He just moved here from the midwest and didn't have many friends here. We walked to the train together and decided to exchange numbers. My friend gave her hers first but his train came and so I said I'd get his number from her and just text him so he'd have mine. Well, 2 minutes later he texted her saying "let me know if you want to hang out sometime." She goes, "what did he text you?". "Nothing." And so it was awkward then because she knew I liked him and knew it's been a long time for me and said she'd step back, but clearly he texted her, not me. And I didn't want to just text him to go out 1. if he liked her more and 2.because if he didn't like me, i'd still like to have him as a friend considering I am seriously lacking in male friends. But, in the end, it was all too weird, and nothing has happened.
And this is my life. I don't expect for anything else to happen given that I am more and more content to just sit on my ass in front of the TV weekend after weekend rather than subject myself to the bar scene with young girls wearing spandex mini dresses and heels trying to vie for the attention that I will never receive.
I guess I should look on the positive side of things. If I've made it 5 years, I can surely make it 10, and if I can make it 10 then I can surely make it 20. By then, I'm guessing that I'll be the one who ends up asking my parents to live with me since my brother and sister have families of their own. Then, I'll be the 50 year old who lives and cares for her 80 year old parents and I'll fill my time with that. Maybe it will even be less lonely then.
In the meantime, I'm considering getting a dog. I know that they're a lot of work, but sometimes I just want to come home from work and greet a face that's actually happy to see me and who will love me unconditionally.
I still have my day planner from that year and in the back in the notes section where you would normally keep addresses and lists and whatnot, I wrote a little note to myself. I said "in a year where I have accomplished so much, finished my degree, got a full time job in a career that I loved and not just a job that I hated, it's funny that I feel suicidal." Funny how little things change. Even after five years I still feel the pain of that awful night, that blacked out decision. I'd take it all back. What does it really mean anyway? What am I really supposed to tell someone about that? I guess there's nobody to tell but all of you..few.
It still pains me to know that I even liked my gay coworker. I get mad at myself that I should've known somehow. I'm still having issues with drinking more than I should, mostly when hanging out after work with him. It's not so much that I'm upset that he's gay, because actually I'm liking him less and less as I get to know him, it's more that I let myself get my hopes up in the first place. I should've known better.
Even recently, I went on a pub crawl with a friend of mine and the instant we got there I saw this guy I liked and who was totally my type. I pointed him out at the second bar to my friend from across the room. Then, later, he ended up right near us and she said, "Oh, he's cute." I said, "I know, right." It was only later that I figured it out that she didn't realize it was the same guy. So, essentially, we thought the same guy was cute. We ended up talking to him by the fourth bar and hanging out with him the rest of the night. He just moved here from the midwest and didn't have many friends here. We walked to the train together and decided to exchange numbers. My friend gave her hers first but his train came and so I said I'd get his number from her and just text him so he'd have mine. Well, 2 minutes later he texted her saying "let me know if you want to hang out sometime." She goes, "what did he text you?". "Nothing." And so it was awkward then because she knew I liked him and knew it's been a long time for me and said she'd step back, but clearly he texted her, not me. And I didn't want to just text him to go out 1. if he liked her more and 2.because if he didn't like me, i'd still like to have him as a friend considering I am seriously lacking in male friends. But, in the end, it was all too weird, and nothing has happened.
And this is my life. I don't expect for anything else to happen given that I am more and more content to just sit on my ass in front of the TV weekend after weekend rather than subject myself to the bar scene with young girls wearing spandex mini dresses and heels trying to vie for the attention that I will never receive.
I guess I should look on the positive side of things. If I've made it 5 years, I can surely make it 10, and if I can make it 10 then I can surely make it 20. By then, I'm guessing that I'll be the one who ends up asking my parents to live with me since my brother and sister have families of their own. Then, I'll be the 50 year old who lives and cares for her 80 year old parents and I'll fill my time with that. Maybe it will even be less lonely then.
In the meantime, I'm considering getting a dog. I know that they're a lot of work, but sometimes I just want to come home from work and greet a face that's actually happy to see me and who will love me unconditionally.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Things can only get worse
So I don't know what is compelling me to write after being away for so long. Nothing super eventful has happened or anything. A lot has happened though in the past year and so here are the updates in no particular order except for this is the order in which I'm remembering them.
I finally talked to my dad last Thanksgiving. We met with a counselor and I told him how much he really hurt our family and how his drinking was so toxic to our relationship with him and his relationship with my mom. It was really hard to hear him say that he didn't really remember the way he would treat her or us and that most of his actions weren't based on any logic, they were all tied to his need to drink and how he could fulfill that addiction. At first it just seemed like a cop out, like he was blaming his behavior on the alcohol. You have to just try to understand though, that with addiction, there is no logical behavior, it skews your sense of reality and I think I even read somewhere that it does change the way your brain makes decisions in that certain neuro-connections are altered or something.
I bought a condo in May. That was a pretty big deal for me and really stressful. I found a steal though and in this economy I had to take advantage of the low prices and low interest rates. It's small, only a one bedroom, but it has a yard and a deck and I still have the same commute to work. I think it'll be good for me financially, because instead of paying a landlord, I'm essentially paying myself now. I see it as my 3-5 year place and hope to one day get something a bit bigger that's not in a building so I don't have to deal with neighbors.
The part you've all been waiting for I'm sure....I'm still single! Shocker! I laugh when I think back to where I was last winter because well, here's the story in a nutshell. A new guy started in my office. At first I thought, eh, not my type, but not the ugliest guy in the world. He was a little metro, but his parents are European, so I thought, maybe he just has a different sense of style. We started hanging out, first with other coworkers for drinks after work, but I soon saw him on weekends and what not. He said things to me in a way that made it seem like he was flirting. I don't even think that I was imagining it either because 4 people at work asked me if we were dating, so clearly, it wasn't all just me.
Anyway, I soon got some signals that something wasn't quite right. I'm sure you've already guessed it, he's gay. He hides it VERY well, and he tries to because he's clearly not out at work, which is fine. I can see why people would be hesitant to be open at work about their personal lives especially when they're trying to climb the corporate ladder, but my office is super open. There are 2 openly married gay men and nobody seems to give two shits.
So needless to say I was not only disappointed and felt stupid, but I was kinda mad. I wrote this to ecrivain once (it's just easier to copy and paste): "I just had lunch with a friend who tried every which way to say that this is a good thing, and i put myself out there, and i should see the positive side of it, blah blah blah. but just the way she said it, it didn't make me feel better at all! i was like, i just wasted 5 months of getting dressed up and putting on makeup and doing my hair to try to make him attracted to me and it was all a waste of effort. and she compared it to a 5 year relationship she had in her early twenties. she was like, "do i regret having that relationship, no." and all i could say was "stop right there. that's the difference. you HAD a relationship." I've never even been closed to one. and i can't compare months of you being single to my entire life. so when i am let down by something, it's like compounded by like 30 years."
What's worse is that I still am slightly attracted to him. I mean, we're still friends and he's since come out to me, so now when we're out alone (not in front of other coworkers) he talks openly to me about his personal life. It just sucks. More than ever I just feel like giving up.
On top of all this, I feel like I've been self-medicating with alcohol. When I go out, I just want to numb myself and forget the person I am and become someone else. I feel like it's getting a little out of hand though, and with my family history, I do have grounds to be concerned. I'm thinking my New Year's resolution (even though I hate New Years and never make resolutions) will be to chill out and really get myself healthy. That's another thing, I haven't really been taking care of myself, not running, eating crap, and I've put on like 10 lbs. One more reason to feel shitty about myself.
I'm stopping now, but I might write more later.
I finally talked to my dad last Thanksgiving. We met with a counselor and I told him how much he really hurt our family and how his drinking was so toxic to our relationship with him and his relationship with my mom. It was really hard to hear him say that he didn't really remember the way he would treat her or us and that most of his actions weren't based on any logic, they were all tied to his need to drink and how he could fulfill that addiction. At first it just seemed like a cop out, like he was blaming his behavior on the alcohol. You have to just try to understand though, that with addiction, there is no logical behavior, it skews your sense of reality and I think I even read somewhere that it does change the way your brain makes decisions in that certain neuro-connections are altered or something.
I bought a condo in May. That was a pretty big deal for me and really stressful. I found a steal though and in this economy I had to take advantage of the low prices and low interest rates. It's small, only a one bedroom, but it has a yard and a deck and I still have the same commute to work. I think it'll be good for me financially, because instead of paying a landlord, I'm essentially paying myself now. I see it as my 3-5 year place and hope to one day get something a bit bigger that's not in a building so I don't have to deal with neighbors.
The part you've all been waiting for I'm sure....I'm still single! Shocker! I laugh when I think back to where I was last winter because well, here's the story in a nutshell. A new guy started in my office. At first I thought, eh, not my type, but not the ugliest guy in the world. He was a little metro, but his parents are European, so I thought, maybe he just has a different sense of style. We started hanging out, first with other coworkers for drinks after work, but I soon saw him on weekends and what not. He said things to me in a way that made it seem like he was flirting. I don't even think that I was imagining it either because 4 people at work asked me if we were dating, so clearly, it wasn't all just me.
Anyway, I soon got some signals that something wasn't quite right. I'm sure you've already guessed it, he's gay. He hides it VERY well, and he tries to because he's clearly not out at work, which is fine. I can see why people would be hesitant to be open at work about their personal lives especially when they're trying to climb the corporate ladder, but my office is super open. There are 2 openly married gay men and nobody seems to give two shits.
So needless to say I was not only disappointed and felt stupid, but I was kinda mad. I wrote this to ecrivain once (it's just easier to copy and paste): "I just had lunch with a friend who tried every which way to say that this is a good thing, and i put myself out there, and i should see the positive side of it, blah blah blah. but just the way she said it, it didn't make me feel better at all! i was like, i just wasted 5 months of getting dressed up and putting on makeup and doing my hair to try to make him attracted to me and it was all a waste of effort. and she compared it to a 5 year relationship she had in her early twenties. she was like, "do i regret having that relationship, no." and all i could say was "stop right there. that's the difference. you HAD a relationship." I've never even been closed to one. and i can't compare months of you being single to my entire life. so when i am let down by something, it's like compounded by like 30 years."
What's worse is that I still am slightly attracted to him. I mean, we're still friends and he's since come out to me, so now when we're out alone (not in front of other coworkers) he talks openly to me about his personal life. It just sucks. More than ever I just feel like giving up.
On top of all this, I feel like I've been self-medicating with alcohol. When I go out, I just want to numb myself and forget the person I am and become someone else. I feel like it's getting a little out of hand though, and with my family history, I do have grounds to be concerned. I'm thinking my New Year's resolution (even though I hate New Years and never make resolutions) will be to chill out and really get myself healthy. That's another thing, I haven't really been taking care of myself, not running, eating crap, and I've put on like 10 lbs. One more reason to feel shitty about myself.
I'm stopping now, but I might write more later.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Not even fazed
So, I obviously haven't posted in a really long time. Some of you might think that the reason is that maybe I got lucky and found someone, things are finally on the upswing, that I'm happy. Unfortunately, that's not the case at all. It's way more uninteresting and depressing than that. Nothing has really changed at all, for the better or for the worse. Well, that may be debatable.
I just got really tired of vomiting up my depression for all the world to view. Besides, it wasn't really making me feel any better. Don't get me wrong, knowing that I'm not alone and that other people are in similar situations does bring me comfort and I continue to read all your blogs daily. For some reason, I just can't really stomach mine anymore.
The only reason I'm posting now is because I turned 30 on Thursday. It actually wasn't as bad as I had imagined it would be for the past decade. I think it's probably because I've been prepping myself for the day for a really long time. My birthday has always been a sore subject for me. It's always around the long weekend, so inevitably, everyone's always too busy to celebrate. I've also had a string of bad birthdays, the worst was when I had my wisdom teeth out and spent my 20th birthday vomiting up blood. The next year was supposed to be an awesome one, the big 21. Yeah. I spent it home alone watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Nobody took me out. My first adult drink I bought for myself.
I try to avoid anyone finding out about it too because it's not something I really want to celebrate anyway. I'm pretty sure I have Peter Pan syndrome. I'm sure being alone and unaccomplished might have something to do with that. So I don't list it on Facebook and didn't let anyone post on my wall that day. The people who I really care about sent me a text, and that was all I wanted. I spent the day at a museum and the movies followed by 4 beers while listening to depressing music and crying myself to sleep. The perfect day.
In other news, in case you really want some cheer...
Things with my family continue to be crappy. I still haven't spoken to my dad since April of 09. I'm open now to meeting with him, with a mediator to help guide the conversation. Things with my sister and my mother are still strained. Things with my sister and sister-in-law are still strained. So that's all been a joy to deal with.
The atmosphere at work is becoming unsettling. Things seem to be changing in a way that I suppose is good for my office. Things, as always, are moving towards technology with a high demand for things faster and easier and by changing, my office is avoiding becoming obsolete, except the drawback of that is that my work and the work of my colleagues is veering very much away from what we actually went to school to study. I've been kind of unhappy for a while, not just with my job, but with this town. I feel like I need a change. Unfortunately, there aren't many jobs elsewhere or anywhere for that matter and I am not one to move without a steady income.
Ugh, see, I don't even like this post. Just word garbage.
On a final note...I have a mouse in my apt. Glee!
P.S. I do appreciate those of you that have expressed concerned over my absence...you're honestly the only ones that notice when I'm not "there."
I just got really tired of vomiting up my depression for all the world to view. Besides, it wasn't really making me feel any better. Don't get me wrong, knowing that I'm not alone and that other people are in similar situations does bring me comfort and I continue to read all your blogs daily. For some reason, I just can't really stomach mine anymore.
The only reason I'm posting now is because I turned 30 on Thursday. It actually wasn't as bad as I had imagined it would be for the past decade. I think it's probably because I've been prepping myself for the day for a really long time. My birthday has always been a sore subject for me. It's always around the long weekend, so inevitably, everyone's always too busy to celebrate. I've also had a string of bad birthdays, the worst was when I had my wisdom teeth out and spent my 20th birthday vomiting up blood. The next year was supposed to be an awesome one, the big 21. Yeah. I spent it home alone watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Nobody took me out. My first adult drink I bought for myself.
I try to avoid anyone finding out about it too because it's not something I really want to celebrate anyway. I'm pretty sure I have Peter Pan syndrome. I'm sure being alone and unaccomplished might have something to do with that. So I don't list it on Facebook and didn't let anyone post on my wall that day. The people who I really care about sent me a text, and that was all I wanted. I spent the day at a museum and the movies followed by 4 beers while listening to depressing music and crying myself to sleep. The perfect day.
In other news, in case you really want some cheer...
Things with my family continue to be crappy. I still haven't spoken to my dad since April of 09. I'm open now to meeting with him, with a mediator to help guide the conversation. Things with my sister and my mother are still strained. Things with my sister and sister-in-law are still strained. So that's all been a joy to deal with.
The atmosphere at work is becoming unsettling. Things seem to be changing in a way that I suppose is good for my office. Things, as always, are moving towards technology with a high demand for things faster and easier and by changing, my office is avoiding becoming obsolete, except the drawback of that is that my work and the work of my colleagues is veering very much away from what we actually went to school to study. I've been kind of unhappy for a while, not just with my job, but with this town. I feel like I need a change. Unfortunately, there aren't many jobs elsewhere or anywhere for that matter and I am not one to move without a steady income.
Ugh, see, I don't even like this post. Just word garbage.
On a final note...I have a mouse in my apt. Glee!
P.S. I do appreciate those of you that have expressed concerned over my absence...you're honestly the only ones that notice when I'm not "there."
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Feeling the stress
I wish that I was inspired to write when things go right in my life, but of course, that's never the case.
My acne decided to clear up just before I had to take some time off from work to take care of a medical issue that I've been struggling with for years. I had to have surgery and was home for about two weeks recovering over the Christmas/New Years holidays. I knew it would be a hard recovery, but it was even worse than I thought. Thankfully, I'm on the mend now and things should only improve from here on out.
My mom ended up staying with me to help, which was very nice of her, but it did end up being kind of awkward. She talked to my dad at least once if not twice a day, which made me a little uncomfortable. Then the weekend she left me, she emailed me saying she let him move back in the house.
Upon hearing this news, my sister for some reason decided she couldn't handle talking to my mom right now, so at the moment, they are not in contact. I know this upsets my mom, but I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to my sister, but she won't tell me what's going on. My mom asks me and I can't even explain it, but maybe it's better if I don't know anything that way I'm not dragged into it.
This weekend, my sister, my brother and I all met up to exchange Christmas gifts for the kids since none of us spent the holiday together (my dad went to my brother's, I was incapacitated with my mom, and my sister spent it alone). It was so awkward. For the second year in a row, my sister ended up sitting next to my sister-in-law and let's just say they do not get along. Well, my sister I think makes an effort, it's my sister-in-law who is weird. She's hard to explain. Even I have felt a strain in our relationship over the years. She definitely has changed since my brother started making more money and she has very strong beliefs in things relating to health and parenting, which I know gets in the way of her and my sister's relationship. She also doesn't get along great with my mother and I've heard her vent about her and when you hear someone talk bad about your mom, it's just a hard thing to forget.
So needless to say, the acne is back along with a lovely cold sore. Luckily, my doctor prescribed me something for it and it's actually made some difference; it's still there, but I think it should go away quicker than normal.
I know when my body starts reacting to stress that it's really getting to me. Usually, I feel like I handle it pretty well, and by well, I mean internalizing it and suppressing it, ya know, the healthy way to deal with it. It's just become so difficult. I feel like my entire family is falling apart and without a family of my own to fall into, I feel like I'm falling apart.
My acne decided to clear up just before I had to take some time off from work to take care of a medical issue that I've been struggling with for years. I had to have surgery and was home for about two weeks recovering over the Christmas/New Years holidays. I knew it would be a hard recovery, but it was even worse than I thought. Thankfully, I'm on the mend now and things should only improve from here on out.
My mom ended up staying with me to help, which was very nice of her, but it did end up being kind of awkward. She talked to my dad at least once if not twice a day, which made me a little uncomfortable. Then the weekend she left me, she emailed me saying she let him move back in the house.
Upon hearing this news, my sister for some reason decided she couldn't handle talking to my mom right now, so at the moment, they are not in contact. I know this upsets my mom, but I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to my sister, but she won't tell me what's going on. My mom asks me and I can't even explain it, but maybe it's better if I don't know anything that way I'm not dragged into it.
This weekend, my sister, my brother and I all met up to exchange Christmas gifts for the kids since none of us spent the holiday together (my dad went to my brother's, I was incapacitated with my mom, and my sister spent it alone). It was so awkward. For the second year in a row, my sister ended up sitting next to my sister-in-law and let's just say they do not get along. Well, my sister I think makes an effort, it's my sister-in-law who is weird. She's hard to explain. Even I have felt a strain in our relationship over the years. She definitely has changed since my brother started making more money and she has very strong beliefs in things relating to health and parenting, which I know gets in the way of her and my sister's relationship. She also doesn't get along great with my mother and I've heard her vent about her and when you hear someone talk bad about your mom, it's just a hard thing to forget.
So needless to say, the acne is back along with a lovely cold sore. Luckily, my doctor prescribed me something for it and it's actually made some difference; it's still there, but I think it should go away quicker than normal.
I know when my body starts reacting to stress that it's really getting to me. Usually, I feel like I handle it pretty well, and by well, I mean internalizing it and suppressing it, ya know, the healthy way to deal with it. It's just become so difficult. I feel like my entire family is falling apart and without a family of my own to fall into, I feel like I'm falling apart.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Feeling overwhelmed
These stupid rainy weekends always put me in a more depressed mood than usual. Today I've been feeling very overwhelmed with everything. So beware, this is sort of a bitchfest.
After months of struggling with the decision to divorce my father, my mother decided to put the divorce on hold after my father *promised* to go to AA and work on his addiction. This news should make me happy, but in fact it actually upsets me more.
I've seen all of what she has had to endure emotionally, psychologically, and physically that I just don't want her to go through any more. I've also seen his pattern of saying it'll get better and that he wants to work it out and then disappointing her. I have a feeling that his latest attempt at reconciliation is under false pretenses. I think he's either lonely now that the holiday season is approaching, he's missing his grandkids he's not allowed to see and thinks repairing the marriage will rectify that, or he's just plain tired of cooking his own meals, washing his own clothes and dishes and wants her to do it for him again.
Even though I am his daughter and I am connected to the situation, I think growing up I definitely saw things through different eyes than my mother. I wasn't married to him and I didn't have to stay with him and live with him forever. After high school it was only summers in college that I had to endure his behavior and his verbal abuse to my mom. I feel like I developed a more objective view of their relationship because he really was never a dad to me, just someone who happened to be my father.
It's funny that as a person who's never had a real relationship I feel as though I have a good idea of what a healthy one should be. It probably is the reason I am so picky with who I want to be with, which I think I've written about previously.
With all of this going on, I just wish I had someone to talk to about it or someone to get my mind off of it and cheer me up. I know I can call my friends, but they have their own stuff going on and sometimes it's random times during the day that I wish I could talk to a best friend, have them give me a hug and tell me it's going to be okay. That guy from The Wedding Singer was right, that's all I really want.
I hate that everything I want is so unattainable to me-love, a house, a normal family. I know everyone's family is not "normal" but I wish that I was actually able to envision a wedding for myself, but I can't. My father wouldn't be in the picture. We don't talk to half my family because of family fights. There's a couple "bad sheep," one of which is currently in jail. I think there would be less than 10 people on my side there. We can barely have any normal family functions. This Thanksgiving is a good example. My brother invited my dad (he still talks to him for some reason which I cannot understand), he didn't end up going, but he didn't even invite me (single and all alone!) or my sister and her family. So my brother and sister each spent the holiday alone. So weird. I ended up going with my mom to my grandparents house and my neurotic aunt and my 35 yr old cousin, who my grandparents and aunt still support, were there! Hello, you're 35, grow up!
I can't afford a home because I don't make a lot in my profession and probably never will so owning without the help of someone else (and I cannot handle a roommate at this point in my life) is out of the question. I'm beginning to hate this stupid apartment. My downstairs neighbor plays his bass SO loud, it's ridiculous. I told him to lower it the day he moved in, but I still hear it every day. Last night I was so upset I stomped on the floor out of frustration. I hate that it's come to that. I can't even get a dog here, which I'd love to have for company and some love in my life.
I think my friends think that I should go to therapy for everything that I'm feeling, but I've tried that and I don't feel like it really helped. Besides, a therapist can't repair my family for me, they wouldn't be able to buy me a home, and I don't think it's in their job description to find me a date. I understand that a therapist would help you deal with you problems and maybe accept your life as it is, be thankful for what you do have. But why would I want to accept and be happy with this life? Isn't it everyone's dream to find love and happiness? Why would I want to accept a life of loneliness? I am thankful for what I do have and know that some people have much less than I do, materialistically that is, but there are some people who have so much less but at the same time have so much more than I do, emotionally that is. I think I'd give up everything I have to love someone who'd love me back.
After months of struggling with the decision to divorce my father, my mother decided to put the divorce on hold after my father *promised* to go to AA and work on his addiction. This news should make me happy, but in fact it actually upsets me more.
I've seen all of what she has had to endure emotionally, psychologically, and physically that I just don't want her to go through any more. I've also seen his pattern of saying it'll get better and that he wants to work it out and then disappointing her. I have a feeling that his latest attempt at reconciliation is under false pretenses. I think he's either lonely now that the holiday season is approaching, he's missing his grandkids he's not allowed to see and thinks repairing the marriage will rectify that, or he's just plain tired of cooking his own meals, washing his own clothes and dishes and wants her to do it for him again.
Even though I am his daughter and I am connected to the situation, I think growing up I definitely saw things through different eyes than my mother. I wasn't married to him and I didn't have to stay with him and live with him forever. After high school it was only summers in college that I had to endure his behavior and his verbal abuse to my mom. I feel like I developed a more objective view of their relationship because he really was never a dad to me, just someone who happened to be my father.
It's funny that as a person who's never had a real relationship I feel as though I have a good idea of what a healthy one should be. It probably is the reason I am so picky with who I want to be with, which I think I've written about previously.
With all of this going on, I just wish I had someone to talk to about it or someone to get my mind off of it and cheer me up. I know I can call my friends, but they have their own stuff going on and sometimes it's random times during the day that I wish I could talk to a best friend, have them give me a hug and tell me it's going to be okay. That guy from The Wedding Singer was right, that's all I really want.
I hate that everything I want is so unattainable to me-love, a house, a normal family. I know everyone's family is not "normal" but I wish that I was actually able to envision a wedding for myself, but I can't. My father wouldn't be in the picture. We don't talk to half my family because of family fights. There's a couple "bad sheep," one of which is currently in jail. I think there would be less than 10 people on my side there. We can barely have any normal family functions. This Thanksgiving is a good example. My brother invited my dad (he still talks to him for some reason which I cannot understand), he didn't end up going, but he didn't even invite me (single and all alone!) or my sister and her family. So my brother and sister each spent the holiday alone. So weird. I ended up going with my mom to my grandparents house and my neurotic aunt and my 35 yr old cousin, who my grandparents and aunt still support, were there! Hello, you're 35, grow up!
I can't afford a home because I don't make a lot in my profession and probably never will so owning without the help of someone else (and I cannot handle a roommate at this point in my life) is out of the question. I'm beginning to hate this stupid apartment. My downstairs neighbor plays his bass SO loud, it's ridiculous. I told him to lower it the day he moved in, but I still hear it every day. Last night I was so upset I stomped on the floor out of frustration. I hate that it's come to that. I can't even get a dog here, which I'd love to have for company and some love in my life.
I think my friends think that I should go to therapy for everything that I'm feeling, but I've tried that and I don't feel like it really helped. Besides, a therapist can't repair my family for me, they wouldn't be able to buy me a home, and I don't think it's in their job description to find me a date. I understand that a therapist would help you deal with you problems and maybe accept your life as it is, be thankful for what you do have. But why would I want to accept and be happy with this life? Isn't it everyone's dream to find love and happiness? Why would I want to accept a life of loneliness? I am thankful for what I do have and know that some people have much less than I do, materialistically that is, but there are some people who have so much less but at the same time have so much more than I do, emotionally that is. I think I'd give up everything I have to love someone who'd love me back.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Why do I even bother?
So, my mom did not have a second heart attack, which is great news, although, there is still a very long road ahead of her. I just hope that it doesn't affect her physically again like that, so scary. She called me Friday night so upset. I was out with K and got a voicemail. I feel horrible being so far away from her while she's going through this and also not knowing what to say to her either.
Friday, I met up with K and her fiance on a pub crawl that her coworkers had organized. People, my friends mostly, wonder why I'm so pessimistic about finding someone and don't understand why I think I'll ultimately end up alone. Friday night was the perfect example of my reasoning. Upon being introduced to two guys that showed up, they not only gave me the most uninterested look, they immediately walked away and talked to other people. Maybe they were attached, maybe they were gay, but usually, nay always, this is the reaction I get from men-disinterest.
Later, I was talking to K and this one guy and realized he grew up a town over from me. I'm a little older and couldn't name anyone he knew, but still, he made no attempt to even talk about this commonality. Rather, he was totally distracted texting on his phone. If, however, I was attractive, how much do you want to bet that there would be endless things to sprout from that one fact. I was going to go on to a party with K and her fiance but at the last minute decided to just go home.
It was just one of those nights where you feel like "why do I even bother?" Why do I bother putting on makeup and straightening my hair and picking out a cute outfit when I'm going to be totally ignored by the exact people I am trying to impress. It doesn't even make me feel better to do those things. On What Not to Wear they're always saying you should dress and take care of your appearance to make yourself feel better, but honestly, it just makes me feel like I'm living a lie, like I'm trying to fit in and it's not even working. It really bothers me that all of my friends don't even need to wear makeup or do their hair to look good, they're pretty naturally. And me, I look like a haggard without makeup or done hair.
I had a horrible Saturday. It was dark and rainy all day, thanks Ida, and I just felt awful. I just don't know why I try to trick myself into believing that it'll happen eventually, when I, of all people, know deep down that it won't. Every day I feel like I'm looking older and looking worse than when I was younger. My eyes are so sunken in and baggy and I'm getting random white hairs. Maybe I should just embrace my age and looks and say "fuck it." What would it even matter?
I guess the reason I'm posting today is that A just got engaged. So, out of all my friends that live on the east coast I am the only single one, the only one who is not married or not engaged. Still gets me every time.
Every little thing is making me feel less and less close to my friends. Wedding stuff, buying houses, starting families, dealing with in-laws. It's all just so foreign to me. I can tell that they grasp at straws to talk about things too, because I have nothing going on, except my parents, which isn't something I necessarily want to talk about all the time. I know that when we all get together at xmas, they're all going to want to talk about wedding crap. Joy.
Friday, I met up with K and her fiance on a pub crawl that her coworkers had organized. People, my friends mostly, wonder why I'm so pessimistic about finding someone and don't understand why I think I'll ultimately end up alone. Friday night was the perfect example of my reasoning. Upon being introduced to two guys that showed up, they not only gave me the most uninterested look, they immediately walked away and talked to other people. Maybe they were attached, maybe they were gay, but usually, nay always, this is the reaction I get from men-disinterest.
Later, I was talking to K and this one guy and realized he grew up a town over from me. I'm a little older and couldn't name anyone he knew, but still, he made no attempt to even talk about this commonality. Rather, he was totally distracted texting on his phone. If, however, I was attractive, how much do you want to bet that there would be endless things to sprout from that one fact. I was going to go on to a party with K and her fiance but at the last minute decided to just go home.
It was just one of those nights where you feel like "why do I even bother?" Why do I bother putting on makeup and straightening my hair and picking out a cute outfit when I'm going to be totally ignored by the exact people I am trying to impress. It doesn't even make me feel better to do those things. On What Not to Wear they're always saying you should dress and take care of your appearance to make yourself feel better, but honestly, it just makes me feel like I'm living a lie, like I'm trying to fit in and it's not even working. It really bothers me that all of my friends don't even need to wear makeup or do their hair to look good, they're pretty naturally. And me, I look like a haggard without makeup or done hair.
I had a horrible Saturday. It was dark and rainy all day, thanks Ida, and I just felt awful. I just don't know why I try to trick myself into believing that it'll happen eventually, when I, of all people, know deep down that it won't. Every day I feel like I'm looking older and looking worse than when I was younger. My eyes are so sunken in and baggy and I'm getting random white hairs. Maybe I should just embrace my age and looks and say "fuck it." What would it even matter?
I guess the reason I'm posting today is that A just got engaged. So, out of all my friends that live on the east coast I am the only single one, the only one who is not married or not engaged. Still gets me every time.
Every little thing is making me feel less and less close to my friends. Wedding stuff, buying houses, starting families, dealing with in-laws. It's all just so foreign to me. I can tell that they grasp at straws to talk about things too, because I have nothing going on, except my parents, which isn't something I necessarily want to talk about all the time. I know that when we all get together at xmas, they're all going to want to talk about wedding crap. Joy.
Friday, November 6, 2009
I'd rather be alone
So, my mom is in the hospital again. My parent's are officially getting divorced, well, as soon as the marshall can find my dad to serve him the papers. I guess my mom found out that not only was he fooling around with someone else, he signed up for match.com. I'd say he's checked out of the marraige. She finally made the decision, and I'm proud of her, but I wish it wasn't so phsyically taxing on her. So far it doesn't look like it's another heart attack, maybe just a bad anxiety attack from being so upset, but still. I'm worried about her. She's never gone through A breakup at all let alone a 42 year relationship breakup.
I don't know if it's because I saw first hand how awful a marraige can be and how trapped you can get in it when your feelings get so strong and overpowering that I've been so picky and waited so long in finding someone of my own. I am so scared of ending up with someone that I'd fall out of love with or who would end up treating me like crap. I want this person to be perfect. In doing so, though, I'm scared I've built up my image of this person to something nobody could measure up to. Although, in the end, I think I'd rather be alone, forever, than be with someone who treated me the way my dad has treated my mom.
I just hope that there's some peace ahead. For me, for her, for everyone in my family. I don't know how much more stress I can take. I noticed a cold sore coming on yesterday, I'm sure from stress. Ironically, I've been getting them since I was 11 or 12, probably from sharing a glass and not from being promiscuous like so many people insinuate when they see people with them. And it only adds to me feeling horrible and disgusting on top of feeling sad and worried for my mom. At least it's Friday and I can avoid everyone for 2 days.
I don't know if it's because I saw first hand how awful a marraige can be and how trapped you can get in it when your feelings get so strong and overpowering that I've been so picky and waited so long in finding someone of my own. I am so scared of ending up with someone that I'd fall out of love with or who would end up treating me like crap. I want this person to be perfect. In doing so, though, I'm scared I've built up my image of this person to something nobody could measure up to. Although, in the end, I think I'd rather be alone, forever, than be with someone who treated me the way my dad has treated my mom.
I just hope that there's some peace ahead. For me, for her, for everyone in my family. I don't know how much more stress I can take. I noticed a cold sore coming on yesterday, I'm sure from stress. Ironically, I've been getting them since I was 11 or 12, probably from sharing a glass and not from being promiscuous like so many people insinuate when they see people with them. And it only adds to me feeling horrible and disgusting on top of feeling sad and worried for my mom. At least it's Friday and I can avoid everyone for 2 days.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
No one to notice
I went to a concert last night with A and D and before we went we grabbed a drink. A said she was feeling really bummed lately and she didn't know why. I said yeah, I've been feeling pretty bummed lately too. She was like, yeah, these past 3 days have been awful. I was like, oh, I've been bummed since D's wedding...a MONTH ago. I guess that didn't seem to phase her. She was like, my boyfriend even asked what was wrong, like, it's bad enough that other people are noticing. Funny, nobody ever really notices when I'm bummed out because I never see anyone and live alone. So, really I don't know why I even bother telling anyone. Nobody really seems to care.
I have a birthday party to go to tonight, it's actually the guy from the wedding that asked me why I wasn't married yet. I really don't even feel like going. I'm in such a bad mood. I feel like I should go just because my friends are and one from out of state will be there. Ugh.
I really wish I could get out of here, like to another state or country or something. I've been looking at job sites, but there really isn't anything out there. I feel like this place is suffocating me for some reason. I need to get away. I feel like I want to retreat from everyone like last time. I know that's not a solution, but somehow it was comforting. I can't really explain.
Anyways, I guess I should go get ready for this stupid party.
I have a birthday party to go to tonight, it's actually the guy from the wedding that asked me why I wasn't married yet. I really don't even feel like going. I'm in such a bad mood. I feel like I should go just because my friends are and one from out of state will be there. Ugh.
I really wish I could get out of here, like to another state or country or something. I've been looking at job sites, but there really isn't anything out there. I feel like this place is suffocating me for some reason. I need to get away. I feel like I want to retreat from everyone like last time. I know that's not a solution, but somehow it was comforting. I can't really explain.
Anyways, I guess I should go get ready for this stupid party.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Nearing the edge
Do you ever get that feeling that you're losing absolute control over everything, including yourself? These past few days, maybe even weeks, I've felt like everything and anything is irritating me and that I'm getting closer to losing my mind.
I'm not sure what's going on my parent's marriage, but my father moved out of the house. Not sure if it's a permanent thing or what, but he was telling neighbors, people he doesn't even usually talk to, that they were getting divorced. Who knows anymore, my mother won't tell me anything. Even though it doesn't directly involve me and really it's what I want, it's still getting to me, probably because of what it must be like for my mom.
Little things about my apartment are driving me nuts. This will really make it seem like I'm going crazy, but I keep hearing a beeping noise periodically and it's driving me absolutely insane. It sounds like when your smoke detector needs new batteries-that sharp high pitched noise. Except it's not in my apartment, and it only beeps 3 times every few hours, so by the time I try to figure out where it's coming from, it stops. It's waking me up in the middle of the night and in the early morning.
This morning, on my day off, roofers came to put on a new roof to my apt building and started hammering, it felt like, right into my brain. I wanted to kill them.
I don't know why but I'm getting in this weird funk. Really getting sad about being alone. I try so hard not to care, caring only hurts. But I feel like it's all around me, everywhere I go. K is planning her wedding. Seems like A will get engaged any day now. I ran into Starbucks Saturday and in front of me were two girls who it sounded like went to high school together and just ran into each other and were catching up, girl 1: "hey how are you?" girl 2: "good, just got engaged" girl 1: "omg, me too!" Sigh. It's just everywhere.
I wish I could get out of here. Get a house far away from all civilization and not be bothered by anyone anymore. Have my own stuff instead of my landlord's crappy place. I'd like to move away, but I'm too practical to move without having a job first and of course there are no jobs now. I don't even think a vacation would help. I'd only have to come back to this place, these people, this life.
Sometimes I wonder, what is it that makes people "snap"? What makes people lose it, whether it's a mental breakdown or a mental break? Why can some people withstand trauma, even severe mental trauma, while others can handle very little? What determines that breaking point? Why can some people deal and others not? I guess that's what psychologists have been trying to figure out all this time. I wonder what my breaking point will be.
I'm not sure what's going on my parent's marriage, but my father moved out of the house. Not sure if it's a permanent thing or what, but he was telling neighbors, people he doesn't even usually talk to, that they were getting divorced. Who knows anymore, my mother won't tell me anything. Even though it doesn't directly involve me and really it's what I want, it's still getting to me, probably because of what it must be like for my mom.
Little things about my apartment are driving me nuts. This will really make it seem like I'm going crazy, but I keep hearing a beeping noise periodically and it's driving me absolutely insane. It sounds like when your smoke detector needs new batteries-that sharp high pitched noise. Except it's not in my apartment, and it only beeps 3 times every few hours, so by the time I try to figure out where it's coming from, it stops. It's waking me up in the middle of the night and in the early morning.
This morning, on my day off, roofers came to put on a new roof to my apt building and started hammering, it felt like, right into my brain. I wanted to kill them.
I don't know why but I'm getting in this weird funk. Really getting sad about being alone. I try so hard not to care, caring only hurts. But I feel like it's all around me, everywhere I go. K is planning her wedding. Seems like A will get engaged any day now. I ran into Starbucks Saturday and in front of me were two girls who it sounded like went to high school together and just ran into each other and were catching up, girl 1: "hey how are you?" girl 2: "good, just got engaged" girl 1: "omg, me too!" Sigh. It's just everywhere.
I wish I could get out of here. Get a house far away from all civilization and not be bothered by anyone anymore. Have my own stuff instead of my landlord's crappy place. I'd like to move away, but I'm too practical to move without having a job first and of course there are no jobs now. I don't even think a vacation would help. I'd only have to come back to this place, these people, this life.
Sometimes I wonder, what is it that makes people "snap"? What makes people lose it, whether it's a mental breakdown or a mental break? Why can some people withstand trauma, even severe mental trauma, while others can handle very little? What determines that breaking point? Why can some people deal and others not? I guess that's what psychologists have been trying to figure out all this time. I wonder what my breaking point will be.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I've fallen and I...hello? hello?
Saturday morning I woke up at 6:30 to go to the bathroom. I tried not to wake myself up too much so that I could go right back to sleep really quickly. I'm not sure if it was because I was still half-asleep or if I tripped on something with my eyes only half open, but I fell. Hard.
I only remember walking through my kitchen and the next thing I know I'm lying on the floor in front of my bathroom shaking. On the way down, I hit my elbow, my shoulder, my back, and I'm pretty sure I hit my head most likely on closet doors and doorknobs. I knocked into my closet door that my ironing board hangs on and it made a pretty loud metallic clank.The first thing I did was turn on the light and made sure I wasn't bleeding anywhere. Thankfully, I just have some nice big bruises and a lasting headache.
At first I thought, oh crap, I must've woken up my neighbors for sure. But then I remembered that the guy below me had moved out last weekend. And the asshole who lives next to me probably couldn't give a shit anyways.
Nothing hurt so much that I cried, but I did end up crying because really, what if I had cracked my skull open, or had a concussion. All day Saturday nobody called me. I did an experiment and didn't go on FB or instant messenger. I could've been dead lying on my floor for probably 24-48 hours before someone realized I was dead. Is that weird that I think that?
I know it's not just that I'm single, I also live alone, so I guess for anyone that lives alone, you really run the chance of having something happen to you and nobody knowing about it, especially if it's on the weekend. It just makes me sad.
I've been pretty bummed all week since the wedding and this just topped it off. I'm just getting really sick of everything. I hate that I can't have anything I want-a relationship, a home, a dog, a normal family. That Smiths song keeps running through my head. He's right, it really could drive you mad.
That Morrissey was a smart one. He once said, "I do think it's possible to go through life and never fall in love, or find someone who loves you." I believe it too, as much as I don't want to.
I only remember walking through my kitchen and the next thing I know I'm lying on the floor in front of my bathroom shaking. On the way down, I hit my elbow, my shoulder, my back, and I'm pretty sure I hit my head most likely on closet doors and doorknobs. I knocked into my closet door that my ironing board hangs on and it made a pretty loud metallic clank.The first thing I did was turn on the light and made sure I wasn't bleeding anywhere. Thankfully, I just have some nice big bruises and a lasting headache.
At first I thought, oh crap, I must've woken up my neighbors for sure. But then I remembered that the guy below me had moved out last weekend. And the asshole who lives next to me probably couldn't give a shit anyways.
Nothing hurt so much that I cried, but I did end up crying because really, what if I had cracked my skull open, or had a concussion. All day Saturday nobody called me. I did an experiment and didn't go on FB or instant messenger. I could've been dead lying on my floor for probably 24-48 hours before someone realized I was dead. Is that weird that I think that?
I know it's not just that I'm single, I also live alone, so I guess for anyone that lives alone, you really run the chance of having something happen to you and nobody knowing about it, especially if it's on the weekend. It just makes me sad.
I've been pretty bummed all week since the wedding and this just topped it off. I'm just getting really sick of everything. I hate that I can't have anything I want-a relationship, a home, a dog, a normal family. That Smiths song keeps running through my head. He's right, it really could drive you mad.
That Morrissey was a smart one. He once said, "I do think it's possible to go through life and never fall in love, or find someone who loves you." I believe it too, as much as I don't want to.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
"So, why aren't you married?"
This past weekend I went to my friend D's wedding. I was actually kind of surprised there was no drama. We all hate her husband and her mother-in-law is a certified nut job. It was actually a really fun wedding...
...ya know, except for a few key moments. Oh come on, how could a 30-year old single lady have absolutely nothing to complain about going to a wedding. So, I shared a room with my other only single friend C who was in the wedding, and my friend M and her husband. So I went with them to the church. Well, they scooted into a pew with my friend B and her husband and this guy I went to college with and his wife. (Note: couple, couple, couple). So I had to sit in the pew in front of them with this other girl from college and her husband. Then K showed up with her fiance and sat on the other side of them. (Note: couple, couple, Me). I look up a few pews and I see A's sister and her fiance, and another college friend and her husband and A's boyfriend (A was also in the wedding.) So it was awesome to be the only one who needed an usher to take her to her seat. Good times.
The wedding was a full mass which is kind of annoying, and I'm not just saying that because I'm atheist, I just think it just delays the onset of cocktail hour at the reception. It was surprisingly short, but when they go to the part where they say "for all the sick, blah blah blah" and then everyone's supposed to say "pray for us" or something, I can't remember the exact wording, it's been a while. Anyways, the priest goes, "for all the married couples, may their love continue blah blah blah" whatever it was, but he didn't mention the single ladies HELLO! How about "for all the single people out there, that they may find true love and happiness" No, nobody in that church prayed for me. We singletons get ignored. Thanks.
So, we get to the reception and are having drinks during the cocktail hour and this guy I went to college with comes up to me and before he even says hello says, "So, why aren't you married?" Um, what? I was NOT expecting that. I didn't even know what to say. It was like a slap in the face. For a split second, I got that pre-cry burn feeling in my eye, but it only lasted a second and I got over it. I looked at my friend M's husband who was standing there and he just had this blank look on his face. He didn't think to say "Hey, come on, that's not a very nice thing to say" no, he just stood there. Finally, I just said "I don't know" with kind of an offended attitude. He then got defensive and was like, "No, no I didn't mean that in a bad way, I meant it as a compliment, like why aren't you married by now?"
I'm sorry, there has got to be a better way to phrase that. How about "so why hasn't some lucky guy snatched you up yet?" or something. I mean, I don't really like that either. How about you don't bring me being single to my attention at all? How about that? Jerk.
So we go sit down and wait for the wedding party to get introduced and the photographer is going around to the tables taking pictures. He comes up to our table, which consists of all couples and me (my friend C sat with us, but she still was waiting to be introduced so she wasn't there), and he says "Ok, I'd like to get some couple shots." I rolled my eyes and made a face to try and make a joke of it quickly because of course all eyes went to me. I felt so stupid. Then my friend K who was sitting next to me was like "we can take a picture together." I was like, forget it. Good thing the bar opened shortly thereafter and I proceeded to get completely drunk and forgot about being alone...
That is until the stupid bouquet toss. I'm sorry, unless you are in your early 20's and you still have a ton of single friends, there is no need to throw your fucking bouquet. The DJ announces that he wants all the single girls on the floor and literally it was like crickets. It was me, C, and one of the brides friends. Disaster. So, the DJ was like, "if you have a boyfriend you're still "technically" single, so get out there." A couple more people showed up. I moved to the back and kept my arms down. I caught two bouquets when I was 24 and look how much luck that brought me. Fuck off. So, my friend A caught it, which is just as well since she'll probably become engaged in the next couple of months or so.
I was really surprised I didn't cry at all, not even late night. I did get upset the following day looking back at it all. It was all just so up in my face. I try to just ignore the fact that I'm single and alone and depressed about it and I think I do a pretty okay job going through life pushing it to the back burner. Most people don't ask me about my love life or bring it up and I sure as hell don't talk about it anymore. It just seemed that it was unavoidable. Something to look forward to at K's wedding next summer. Sure as hell hope C doesn't have a boyfriend then or I just might shoot myself.
...ya know, except for a few key moments. Oh come on, how could a 30-year old single lady have absolutely nothing to complain about going to a wedding. So, I shared a room with my other only single friend C who was in the wedding, and my friend M and her husband. So I went with them to the church. Well, they scooted into a pew with my friend B and her husband and this guy I went to college with and his wife. (Note: couple, couple, couple). So I had to sit in the pew in front of them with this other girl from college and her husband. Then K showed up with her fiance and sat on the other side of them. (Note: couple, couple, Me). I look up a few pews and I see A's sister and her fiance, and another college friend and her husband and A's boyfriend (A was also in the wedding.) So it was awesome to be the only one who needed an usher to take her to her seat. Good times.
The wedding was a full mass which is kind of annoying, and I'm not just saying that because I'm atheist, I just think it just delays the onset of cocktail hour at the reception. It was surprisingly short, but when they go to the part where they say "for all the sick, blah blah blah" and then everyone's supposed to say "pray for us" or something, I can't remember the exact wording, it's been a while. Anyways, the priest goes, "for all the married couples, may their love continue blah blah blah" whatever it was, but he didn't mention the single ladies HELLO! How about "for all the single people out there, that they may find true love and happiness" No, nobody in that church prayed for me. We singletons get ignored. Thanks.
So, we get to the reception and are having drinks during the cocktail hour and this guy I went to college with comes up to me and before he even says hello says, "So, why aren't you married?" Um, what? I was NOT expecting that. I didn't even know what to say. It was like a slap in the face. For a split second, I got that pre-cry burn feeling in my eye, but it only lasted a second and I got over it. I looked at my friend M's husband who was standing there and he just had this blank look on his face. He didn't think to say "Hey, come on, that's not a very nice thing to say" no, he just stood there. Finally, I just said "I don't know" with kind of an offended attitude. He then got defensive and was like, "No, no I didn't mean that in a bad way, I meant it as a compliment, like why aren't you married by now?"
I'm sorry, there has got to be a better way to phrase that. How about "so why hasn't some lucky guy snatched you up yet?" or something. I mean, I don't really like that either. How about you don't bring me being single to my attention at all? How about that? Jerk.
So we go sit down and wait for the wedding party to get introduced and the photographer is going around to the tables taking pictures. He comes up to our table, which consists of all couples and me (my friend C sat with us, but she still was waiting to be introduced so she wasn't there), and he says "Ok, I'd like to get some couple shots." I rolled my eyes and made a face to try and make a joke of it quickly because of course all eyes went to me. I felt so stupid. Then my friend K who was sitting next to me was like "we can take a picture together." I was like, forget it. Good thing the bar opened shortly thereafter and I proceeded to get completely drunk and forgot about being alone...
That is until the stupid bouquet toss. I'm sorry, unless you are in your early 20's and you still have a ton of single friends, there is no need to throw your fucking bouquet. The DJ announces that he wants all the single girls on the floor and literally it was like crickets. It was me, C, and one of the brides friends. Disaster. So, the DJ was like, "if you have a boyfriend you're still "technically" single, so get out there." A couple more people showed up. I moved to the back and kept my arms down. I caught two bouquets when I was 24 and look how much luck that brought me. Fuck off. So, my friend A caught it, which is just as well since she'll probably become engaged in the next couple of months or so.
I was really surprised I didn't cry at all, not even late night. I did get upset the following day looking back at it all. It was all just so up in my face. I try to just ignore the fact that I'm single and alone and depressed about it and I think I do a pretty okay job going through life pushing it to the back burner. Most people don't ask me about my love life or bring it up and I sure as hell don't talk about it anymore. It just seemed that it was unavoidable. Something to look forward to at K's wedding next summer. Sure as hell hope C doesn't have a boyfriend then or I just might shoot myself.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Looking for drama
So I went to my friends house on Wednesday for a potluck, the one who lives in T's neighborhood. As I was walking there I suddenly got all nervous that I might run into him again like last time. Not this time though. I have to say that I was slightly disappointed. What is wrong with me? I don't want him. I know he's not right for me. I know he doesn't want me. Later, I realized from facebook stalking him that he moved and might not even live in that neighborhood anymore.
Lately, I've been spending some time with K's roommate, just because it's someone new to hang out with and possibly someone to introduce me to new people. Well, I have to say I do not like her crowd. They're kinda young and the guys are SO not my style-very young, very meatheadish, very cocky, very crass. Not my flava. BUT on top of all that, she has so much drama that it makes me super jealous. I mean, she's not the prettiest girl on the street, but neither am I, and yet she has all these potential guys hanging around that she's interested in. I totally wish I had that. Although, she's into the kinda guys I'm not.
I wish I knew where to find the kind of guys I'm into-tall, skinny, intelligent, mature, modest, interested in the same things musically as I am...I just know that they're all taken...or gay. Sometimes I just wish I had drama, even just a little, just to make life interesting. It hasn't been interesting in 2 1/2 years and I'm betting it won't get any more interesting in the future what with all my friends gettin hitched and not wanting to ever go out not that I ever really met anyone from going out.
This post is so haphazard, sorry. BTW I'm watching the Holiday on TV right now....and who would go on a vacation swap and just happen to run into someone who looks like Jude Law...oh yeah, that would be someone who looks like Cameron Diaz. Yup.
Lately, I've been spending some time with K's roommate, just because it's someone new to hang out with and possibly someone to introduce me to new people. Well, I have to say I do not like her crowd. They're kinda young and the guys are SO not my style-very young, very meatheadish, very cocky, very crass. Not my flava. BUT on top of all that, she has so much drama that it makes me super jealous. I mean, she's not the prettiest girl on the street, but neither am I, and yet she has all these potential guys hanging around that she's interested in. I totally wish I had that. Although, she's into the kinda guys I'm not.
I wish I knew where to find the kind of guys I'm into-tall, skinny, intelligent, mature, modest, interested in the same things musically as I am...I just know that they're all taken...or gay. Sometimes I just wish I had drama, even just a little, just to make life interesting. It hasn't been interesting in 2 1/2 years and I'm betting it won't get any more interesting in the future what with all my friends gettin hitched and not wanting to ever go out not that I ever really met anyone from going out.
This post is so haphazard, sorry. BTW I'm watching the Holiday on TV right now....and who would go on a vacation swap and just happen to run into someone who looks like Jude Law...oh yeah, that would be someone who looks like Cameron Diaz. Yup.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Birthday blues
So, today is my 29th birthday and it's just as depressing as every other year has been in my life, but possibly more so, since this year will mark the year that every one of my close friends (except one who lives far far away) will be either engaged or married and I, I will still not even had anything close to a real relationship.
I tried to keep my birthday quiet, but the stupid admin assistant at work had it on a piece of paper by the copy machine. So all day I got "happy birthday"'s and had to fake a smile and say "thanks!" when really every time I heard it I just wanted to crawl under my desk and cry.
I went out for drinks after work with some coworkers, not to celebrate, but because there was a big meeting today about my department's "re-organization" and we wanted to let off some steam. Someone mentioned that it was my birthday, and I tried to explain how I hate my birthday and wish I could avoid it altogether. I don't get how people are so oblivious as to why someone who is almost 30 and single might be unhappy on their birthday. Hello? I don't have anyone to go home to, nobody to take me out, etc. I'm only reminded that another whole year has passed and not one person has even seriously soberly looked slightly in my direction with any interest. I have not met one person who I have found attractive. There has not been one event that would lead me to think that this year will be better than the next.
So no. Please stop. Don't wish me a happy birthday. Don't hope that I "have a GREAT day!", please, mourn with/for me. It will be another miserable year, only topped off by the fact that at the end I will be 30 and more miserable than I am today.
So good night. I will now resume to my birthday tradition of drinking and crying until I pass out.
I tried to keep my birthday quiet, but the stupid admin assistant at work had it on a piece of paper by the copy machine. So all day I got "happy birthday"'s and had to fake a smile and say "thanks!" when really every time I heard it I just wanted to crawl under my desk and cry.
I went out for drinks after work with some coworkers, not to celebrate, but because there was a big meeting today about my department's "re-organization" and we wanted to let off some steam. Someone mentioned that it was my birthday, and I tried to explain how I hate my birthday and wish I could avoid it altogether. I don't get how people are so oblivious as to why someone who is almost 30 and single might be unhappy on their birthday. Hello? I don't have anyone to go home to, nobody to take me out, etc. I'm only reminded that another whole year has passed and not one person has even seriously soberly looked slightly in my direction with any interest. I have not met one person who I have found attractive. There has not been one event that would lead me to think that this year will be better than the next.
So no. Please stop. Don't wish me a happy birthday. Don't hope that I "have a GREAT day!", please, mourn with/for me. It will be another miserable year, only topped off by the fact that at the end I will be 30 and more miserable than I am today.
So good night. I will now resume to my birthday tradition of drinking and crying until I pass out.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Reality check
I feel like I start every post with me having a bad day. Oh well, I'm having another. Last night was my friend's bachelorette party (NOT the one who just got engaged). We went out to dinner and then out to a bar afterward to get our dance on. All in all it was a good time. It reminded me of the time about five years ago when we'd all go out on the town and drink and dance. Ah, the memories. Those days are LONG gone.
I had a few moments during the night that kind of bummed me out but I tried to brush them off and not let myself think about them because I didn't want to ruin my night. It worked, but instead I'm thinking of them now and have ruined my Sunday.
First, we get to the restaurant for dinner and one of my friends (her and her boyfriend have been together for 3 years, she was the one who was last to lose her v before me and I flipped out when she told me) comes over and says "sooo, [boyfriend] asked me to m..." I had a slight panic attack. I was like are you serious? Another one?! but it was "...move in with him." Still a big deal, she feels she should be engaged before moving in with someone. She mentioned this to her boyfriend and he said "well, it'll probably all happen around the same time." Greeeaaaat. I can't wait to be not only the last single girl, but also the only ones who's not engaged. Awesome.
Then later over dinner, two of my friends were saying how I should join Match. I was like, I did...twice and all I got was one date, who was shorter than he said he was and who didn't even like me. One friend said it was because I put "atheist" as my religious belief. First of all, if someone isn't open-minded enough to accept someone with differing beliefs, I don't want to date them. Second, I'd hope that there'd be some people out there who might actually share my beliefs. I think when people have very differing religious or political views, it makes it almost impossible to agree about certain things.
She was like, well if you don't think thats was what it was, what do you think it was? I made a motion around my face implying that I think it's my looks. They just did the usual "oh stop" blah blah blah and I just had to end the conversation.
I know this sounds so miserable and depressing, but sometimes I just wish that they would cut the "friend support" bullshit and level with me. I know I'm not gorgeous. I think living 30 years in this body and wearing this face that I can tell if I'm attractive or not, and I've had enough people tell me to my face that I'm not, so I think I'm not delusional here. I wish instead of telling me lies and feeding me lines about how i'll find someone and not to give up hope they would just help me cope with the fact that I won't.
Then, we were drinking and dancing and a whole bunch of Irish guys came into the bar and people were talking to them. They were talking about girls kissing each other or something. Anyways, they didn't believe my friend had kissed another girl. So she kissed me, just a peck, no big deal. I don't really have a problem with it, but I hate when girls like full on make out with each other just to get attention. After, I said "haha, that was my first kiss in 2.5 years." Then it hit me. My first kiss in 2.5 years and it was with another girl. Greeeaaat.
Then for some reason, they were trying to get these two guys to make out with me. They even got the guys to ask me?! It was so weird. They kept saying "do you want to make out?" "do you want to make out?" I mean, truthfully, I did. But not with them. And not in front of people. And honestly, if I had made out, I know I would just crave more and I know for a fact I'm never getting more, so why would I do that to myself? I feel like it's better to just try and numb myself to it and hope that my desires die out. I just walked away laughing, masking my true feelings.
Then it hit me. Looking back. Every guy I've ever kissed. All drunk. Every single one. I've never made out with a guy who was sober. I've never made out with a guy when I was sober either. So depressing. I feel so pathetic. I have to be drunk to initiate? True. A guy has to be drunk to even think about wanting to kiss me? True. And they think it's not my looks. BS.
I feel like I could easily soak this up and deal with it if only I had support. If people could tell me, okay, so you might not find anyone, now what? How do you deal with your life expecting not to find someone? I'm sick of all the "focus on yourself" crap too. What do you think I've been forced to do for the first 30 years of my life? I only focus on myself because there's no one else. I need someone to help me live life, really live it, make it through every single day, to the next year, to the next decade, alone. Why can't anyone help me do that? I guess that's maybe what the blogosphere is for.
I just wish everyone wasn't so in my face about the exact opposite of my life. Weddings, engagements, babies, houses, invitations +1, vacations together. I just wish it would all stop. I tried to do that last year and it didn't work. Distancing myself from everyone. Cutting them off. It didn't work. They didn't understand. So instead I have to pretend like everything's fine. Like I'm happy for everyone. Like I care. I'm so tired of acting. I just want to be. In peace. Or not be at all.
I had a few moments during the night that kind of bummed me out but I tried to brush them off and not let myself think about them because I didn't want to ruin my night. It worked, but instead I'm thinking of them now and have ruined my Sunday.
First, we get to the restaurant for dinner and one of my friends (her and her boyfriend have been together for 3 years, she was the one who was last to lose her v before me and I flipped out when she told me) comes over and says "sooo, [boyfriend] asked me to m..." I had a slight panic attack. I was like are you serious? Another one?! but it was "...move in with him." Still a big deal, she feels she should be engaged before moving in with someone. She mentioned this to her boyfriend and he said "well, it'll probably all happen around the same time." Greeeaaaat. I can't wait to be not only the last single girl, but also the only ones who's not engaged. Awesome.
Then later over dinner, two of my friends were saying how I should join Match. I was like, I did...twice and all I got was one date, who was shorter than he said he was and who didn't even like me. One friend said it was because I put "atheist" as my religious belief. First of all, if someone isn't open-minded enough to accept someone with differing beliefs, I don't want to date them. Second, I'd hope that there'd be some people out there who might actually share my beliefs. I think when people have very differing religious or political views, it makes it almost impossible to agree about certain things.
She was like, well if you don't think thats was what it was, what do you think it was? I made a motion around my face implying that I think it's my looks. They just did the usual "oh stop" blah blah blah and I just had to end the conversation.
I know this sounds so miserable and depressing, but sometimes I just wish that they would cut the "friend support" bullshit and level with me. I know I'm not gorgeous. I think living 30 years in this body and wearing this face that I can tell if I'm attractive or not, and I've had enough people tell me to my face that I'm not, so I think I'm not delusional here. I wish instead of telling me lies and feeding me lines about how i'll find someone and not to give up hope they would just help me cope with the fact that I won't.
Then, we were drinking and dancing and a whole bunch of Irish guys came into the bar and people were talking to them. They were talking about girls kissing each other or something. Anyways, they didn't believe my friend had kissed another girl. So she kissed me, just a peck, no big deal. I don't really have a problem with it, but I hate when girls like full on make out with each other just to get attention. After, I said "haha, that was my first kiss in 2.5 years." Then it hit me. My first kiss in 2.5 years and it was with another girl. Greeeaaat.
Then for some reason, they were trying to get these two guys to make out with me. They even got the guys to ask me?! It was so weird. They kept saying "do you want to make out?" "do you want to make out?" I mean, truthfully, I did. But not with them. And not in front of people. And honestly, if I had made out, I know I would just crave more and I know for a fact I'm never getting more, so why would I do that to myself? I feel like it's better to just try and numb myself to it and hope that my desires die out. I just walked away laughing, masking my true feelings.
Then it hit me. Looking back. Every guy I've ever kissed. All drunk. Every single one. I've never made out with a guy who was sober. I've never made out with a guy when I was sober either. So depressing. I feel so pathetic. I have to be drunk to initiate? True. A guy has to be drunk to even think about wanting to kiss me? True. And they think it's not my looks. BS.
I feel like I could easily soak this up and deal with it if only I had support. If people could tell me, okay, so you might not find anyone, now what? How do you deal with your life expecting not to find someone? I'm sick of all the "focus on yourself" crap too. What do you think I've been forced to do for the first 30 years of my life? I only focus on myself because there's no one else. I need someone to help me live life, really live it, make it through every single day, to the next year, to the next decade, alone. Why can't anyone help me do that? I guess that's maybe what the blogosphere is for.
I just wish everyone wasn't so in my face about the exact opposite of my life. Weddings, engagements, babies, houses, invitations +1, vacations together. I just wish it would all stop. I tried to do that last year and it didn't work. Distancing myself from everyone. Cutting them off. It didn't work. They didn't understand. So instead I have to pretend like everything's fine. Like I'm happy for everyone. Like I care. I'm so tired of acting. I just want to be. In peace. Or not be at all.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Bad day
I had a bad day today. My horrible annoying coworker yet again has driven me to the brink of insanity. She gets away with bloody murder. My boss excuses her from tasks that everyone else is expected to do, yet, she somehow manages to get out of them because they're technically not "in her job description." Well, ya know what bitch, there's a lot of shit that I do that's not in my job description, but I do them because I'm a fucking team player.
This was cause for a beer after work with my 40-year old coworker that reminds me so much of myself, I should probably come up with a name for her. Maybe something like Me-in-ten-years. I should actually change all lettered named people to actual names, because there are some duplicate letters. Anyways, I digress. Well, while we were drinking, don't I get a text from K saying that she is ENGAGED to her boyfriend. Shoot. Me. They've been officially dating for maybe six months. SIX months!
I really almost cried at the bar in front of my coworker. Luckily she could feel my pain. I did however cry on the train ride home and I did stop and get a six pack on my way home. I don't know why this fact furthers my depression, I knew she was with him, I knew it could be a possibility, but the fact that it's official only pushes me to realize how much further I am from that reality.
As I rode the train ride home and the sun was setting on the horizon into a beautiful orange and pink hue, I couldn't help cry under the protection of my big sunglasses. Looking at something so beautiful just made me sad. I don't know why, but all I kept thinking was that it looked so beautiful, and why couldn't I have something beautiful, something as beautiful as that sunset? Don't I deserve it? Haven't I been a good person? Maybe even better than the people that get to be happy and loved? Don't I ever get to hold onto something and have it not be fleeting?
So far the world has answered my question. And the answer is no.
This was cause for a beer after work with my 40-year old coworker that reminds me so much of myself, I should probably come up with a name for her. Maybe something like Me-in-ten-years. I should actually change all lettered named people to actual names, because there are some duplicate letters. Anyways, I digress. Well, while we were drinking, don't I get a text from K saying that she is ENGAGED to her boyfriend. Shoot. Me. They've been officially dating for maybe six months. SIX months!
I really almost cried at the bar in front of my coworker. Luckily she could feel my pain. I did however cry on the train ride home and I did stop and get a six pack on my way home. I don't know why this fact furthers my depression, I knew she was with him, I knew it could be a possibility, but the fact that it's official only pushes me to realize how much further I am from that reality.
As I rode the train ride home and the sun was setting on the horizon into a beautiful orange and pink hue, I couldn't help cry under the protection of my big sunglasses. Looking at something so beautiful just made me sad. I don't know why, but all I kept thinking was that it looked so beautiful, and why couldn't I have something beautiful, something as beautiful as that sunset? Don't I deserve it? Haven't I been a good person? Maybe even better than the people that get to be happy and loved? Don't I ever get to hold onto something and have it not be fleeting?
So far the world has answered my question. And the answer is no.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Running into him, literally
So, I was walking to a friend's BBQ tonight in a nearby town and I realized that it's the neighborhood where T lives. So, I thought, wouldn't it be weird if I ran into him. Of course, sometimes I think that since we work in the same area, and of course I never see him. I mean how often do you really run into people, right? I don't anyway.
Well, of course who comes running down the street right toward me but T. We just said hi and the "oh, what are you doing here?" type thing and parted ways. I don't know what it is about him. I know we don't have much in common, he was totally rude when we went out the two times two, yes TWO years ago, and he's made no effort to try and sustain a friendship with me. Yet, I still get this feeling of, I don't know what it is, I guess you could call it lust.
He does this thing with his eyes where they're always shifting and he looks at you and looks away constantly and it's almost like he doesn't want to get caught really looking at you and for some reason that really gets to me. It makes me think he doesn't want me catching him looking at me...or something. Man I am really starved for man right now it's not even funny.
I'll prolly email him tomorrow...because I hate myself just that much.
Well, of course who comes running down the street right toward me but T. We just said hi and the "oh, what are you doing here?" type thing and parted ways. I don't know what it is about him. I know we don't have much in common, he was totally rude when we went out the two times two, yes TWO years ago, and he's made no effort to try and sustain a friendship with me. Yet, I still get this feeling of, I don't know what it is, I guess you could call it lust.
He does this thing with his eyes where they're always shifting and he looks at you and looks away constantly and it's almost like he doesn't want to get caught really looking at you and for some reason that really gets to me. It makes me think he doesn't want me catching him looking at me...or something. Man I am really starved for man right now it's not even funny.
I'll prolly email him tomorrow...because I hate myself just that much.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Planning for the future
I wouldn't say that I'm a wiz when it comes to my personal finances, but I think I do okay for a regular person. I pay off my bills every month. The only debt I carry is my grad student loans. I put away money every month to save for a home. I contribute to my 401(k) plan at work (although not as much as I'd like). I may not be rolling in dough, but I think I'm prepared for the worst in this financial climate if I should happen to lose my job.
I admit, since the economy took a turn for the worst, I've only peeked at my portfolio once to see what shape it was in, and it wasn't pretty. I decided I wouldn't torture myself and not look at it until things seemed to be on the upturn. I've read that it's smarter for younger people to put about 60% of their retirement investment in the stock market because since its existence, it always trends up, and even after the crash of '29 things came back. I know that as I grow older I should be moving more and more of it into more stable things like mutual funds.
I feel like I should be pretty secure compared to other people my age who have massive amounts of debt brought on by their own credit card irresponsibility or the whole sub-prime mortgage fiasco. Some of my friends don't have a savings at all and I'm sure I know people not contributing to their company's 401(k) or 403(b). And I do feel comforted by it, in the immediate future.
The not-so-immediate future is another thing. For the past couple weeks, maybe even months, I've become more and more anxious about my long-term future, to the point where it keeps me up at night worrying. I know it sounds wicked pessimistic and crazy to think about something so far away, but I see it as more realistic. There is a chance that I will not marry anyone. If that's the case, what's going to happen when I'm old and my parents have passed away and my older brother and older sister might either be incapacitated themselves or passed as well. If I don't leave any dependents, can I realistically expect my niece and nephews to take on the responsibility of caring for their aunt?
And what happens if I'm not just old, what if I develop Alzheimer's or something and I can't manage my own finances? It wouldn't be the first time in history someone took advantage of an elderly person who didn't have all their faculties. I know this is all sounds ludicrous, I just can't help worrying about what might happen to me if I don't find anyone and/or don't have kids.
I'm not sure which makes me more sad, that I'm keeping myself up at night worrying about my life 50 years from now or that it's this that's keeping me up and not the fear of never experiencing love and intimacy with another person.
I admit, since the economy took a turn for the worst, I've only peeked at my portfolio once to see what shape it was in, and it wasn't pretty. I decided I wouldn't torture myself and not look at it until things seemed to be on the upturn. I've read that it's smarter for younger people to put about 60% of their retirement investment in the stock market because since its existence, it always trends up, and even after the crash of '29 things came back. I know that as I grow older I should be moving more and more of it into more stable things like mutual funds.
I feel like I should be pretty secure compared to other people my age who have massive amounts of debt brought on by their own credit card irresponsibility or the whole sub-prime mortgage fiasco. Some of my friends don't have a savings at all and I'm sure I know people not contributing to their company's 401(k) or 403(b). And I do feel comforted by it, in the immediate future.
The not-so-immediate future is another thing. For the past couple weeks, maybe even months, I've become more and more anxious about my long-term future, to the point where it keeps me up at night worrying. I know it sounds wicked pessimistic and crazy to think about something so far away, but I see it as more realistic. There is a chance that I will not marry anyone. If that's the case, what's going to happen when I'm old and my parents have passed away and my older brother and older sister might either be incapacitated themselves or passed as well. If I don't leave any dependents, can I realistically expect my niece and nephews to take on the responsibility of caring for their aunt?
And what happens if I'm not just old, what if I develop Alzheimer's or something and I can't manage my own finances? It wouldn't be the first time in history someone took advantage of an elderly person who didn't have all their faculties. I know this is all sounds ludicrous, I just can't help worrying about what might happen to me if I don't find anyone and/or don't have kids.
I'm not sure which makes me more sad, that I'm keeping myself up at night worrying about my life 50 years from now or that it's this that's keeping me up and not the fear of never experiencing love and intimacy with another person.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Feeling heavy, literally.
So, due to the stress of my parents' dysfunctional marriage and the stress of possible upcoming layoffs at my work and the never ending depression of never finding someone to love me, I have consequently gained 7 lbs in the last two weeks. Yay! Just what I need.
It feels so gross. It's all in my gut and I look about 4 months pregnant, which is even more depressing because it only leads my mind to think how sad it is that it can't even be a possibility. I think it's all cortisol because this exact same thing happened when I was in grad school. Then, poof, it all went away as soon as I was finished with my program. Although, I'm afraid the situation with my parents will never end and even if I don't get laid off, I'll still probably never get laid.
I feel fat. I feel gross. I feel ugly.
My coworker told me I need to de-stress. Easier said than done. I would take a vacation, if I had dough to just throw around and not save to help buy a place all by my lonesome. Massages cost money. Spas cost money. Laying on the couch only makes me feel fatter. Laying on the beach gives me skin cancer. The only thing I've been doing to take the edge off is have a beer or a latte here and there...which are full of calories. I don't know what to do.
I wish there was something in this world that brought me happiness. My family causes me stress, my niece and nephews only remind me how I'll never have kids. Hanging out with my friends only remind me that I'm the only one I know who's alone. I just want someone to come home to who will give me a hug and tell me everything will be alright. I want to be able to hug him and nestle my head into his chest and cry. It's just doesn't feel the same with your pillow.
I'm going for a run, not that that will help.
It feels so gross. It's all in my gut and I look about 4 months pregnant, which is even more depressing because it only leads my mind to think how sad it is that it can't even be a possibility. I think it's all cortisol because this exact same thing happened when I was in grad school. Then, poof, it all went away as soon as I was finished with my program. Although, I'm afraid the situation with my parents will never end and even if I don't get laid off, I'll still probably never get laid.
I feel fat. I feel gross. I feel ugly.
My coworker told me I need to de-stress. Easier said than done. I would take a vacation, if I had dough to just throw around and not save to help buy a place all by my lonesome. Massages cost money. Spas cost money. Laying on the couch only makes me feel fatter. Laying on the beach gives me skin cancer. The only thing I've been doing to take the edge off is have a beer or a latte here and there...which are full of calories. I don't know what to do.
I wish there was something in this world that brought me happiness. My family causes me stress, my niece and nephews only remind me how I'll never have kids. Hanging out with my friends only remind me that I'm the only one I know who's alone. I just want someone to come home to who will give me a hug and tell me everything will be alright. I want to be able to hug him and nestle my head into his chest and cry. It's just doesn't feel the same with your pillow.
I'm going for a run, not that that will help.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
